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JG's 7/25/05 Raw Insanity: Carlito Pins The WWE Champion...Seriously

By James Guttman Jul 25, 2018 - 9:36 PM print


Originally Published July 25, 2005  
Intro Reprinted in
World Wrestling Insanity: The Book


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***

Spiro Agnew Elementary School- Sometime In The Future…

Principal Jenkins: Gather around children. We're all very blessed here today. As we just found out, one of our students, Arnold, comes from a very famous family. His mommy and daddy own the World Wrestling Federation. They write all the stories you see on the TV shows. Well, they've agreed to help us out here today by writing and directing our third grade school play. Let's bring in Arnold's mommy and daddy, Stephanie and Paul McMahon.

Triple H: Levesque.

Jenkins: Gazoontite. Take it away, folks. These little bastards are all yours.

Stephanie: OK, children. Paul and I are very excited about directing this play. Paul's coming around with some dittos of the scripts for all of you to take. We're going to do a read through. Are you all ready? Yes, little boy?

Billy: (holding his hand in the air) I have to make pee pees.

Hunter: You want to go to the bathroom? Don't you have any dedication? That's why you'll never draw any money. You won't sell any tickets. People won't come to this play to see you! They won't! You have no heart! You hear me? No heart!

Billy: What?

Stephanie: Let's just take it from the top. (pointing) You, little black girl, you're the narrator. Read the title page.

Brian: (looking around) Me? I'm a boy…and I'm white.

Hunter: Just shut up and read, Nappy.

Brian: OK. Whatever. (clears throat) "Eye Scream Balls" by Stephanie and Paul Le…Le….Lev-eck. Our story op-ens with Chris Cocker. He's looking for the love of his life.

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Billy: Hello everyone. My name is Chris Cocker. Where is my lovely girlfriend? Lovely girlfriend? Yoo hoo?

Brian: Jennifer enters the scene. She has pay…uh…pay…uh…pay-st-ies on and a hotdog in her ear.

Joanna: I am Jennifer. I don't love you. Look at my puppies.

Hunter: OK, kid. Now you're supposed to grab your puppies.

Stephanie: (annoyed) She doesn't have puppies, stupid. She's eight.

Joanna: I have two puppies at home.

Hunter: Now Steph, isn't this a problem we can correct?

Stephanie: You don't mean…?

Hunter: (smirking) Yes. Oh yes. Say, Joanna. How's you like to get two new puppies?

Joanna: OK!

Hunter: You got it. First thing Monday, you get a fresh set. See, Steph. Bam! That'll sell some tickets. You hear me? Bam! Mo money! Mo money! That's what people buy tickets for. Unlike pee-boy over there.

Billy: (frowning) I had an accident.

Stepanie: (screeching) Shut up! Ahhh! OK. OK. Sorry about that, Shaniqua. You go on. Read.

Brian: My name isn't Shaniqua! I'm not a black girl! My name is Brian!

Stephanie: (rolling her eyes) OK. OK. Word up, homeslice. Now just read.

Brian: After grabbing her puppies, Jennifer is grabbed by Chris Cocker and whisked away.

Hunter: Ha ha. Cocker. I love it.

Billy: You are my girl-friend now, Jennifer. Come here you, uh, uh, gutt-er slut. You are my woo…woo…woman now.

Brian: Suddenly, Ach-mad Sandperson arrives.

Timmy: I am Ach-mad! I am a terror symp-athizer. I will sue…a…suicide bomb everyone. (out of character) Uh, directors. I don't feel right saying this. I don't want to be a terrorist.

Stephanie: You're not a terrorist. You're a terror sympathizer. See the difference? It's like crossing the line, only not. We almost cross the boundary of good taste, but leave enough rope to climb back onto the safe side if it becomes a serious issue,

Hunter: (sweating) God, you make me friggin' hot when you talk like that.

Timmy: But, it's kind of like the same thing. I don't know. My daddy is a firefighter and I think he would be upset.

Hunter: That's perfect, kid. You say it and your dad can get really mad. You'll get heat. It'll be like a worked shoot.

Timmy: What's a worked shoot?

Stephanie: That's when you say things about your real life while you play a scripted character.

Timmy: Huh? That's stupid. If you're scripting something, you shouldn't say things about your real life. That's not entertainment. That's confusing and dumb. I'm in third grade and even I know that.

(Stephanie and Hunter stare blankly.)

Hunter: Whatever. Up yours, you mark. Now… take it away, black girl.

Brian: We rejoin Jennifer and Chris Cocker. Jennifer is freshly raped and now in love with Chris.

Joanna: (confused) What's raped?

Hunter: It's forced sex. He made you have sex with him. Now you love him. That's how the real world works.

Billy: (jumping for joy) It does? Hell's yeah!

Stephanie: Nice going, stupid. Now you f**ked him up for life.

Hunter: Yeah? Yeah? Well…uh, look at my crazy facial hair.

Stephanie: That's your answer to everything. Forget you. Keep reading, girlfriend.

Brian: We rejoin Ach-mad…. (looking up) Uh, Mrs. McMahon, what about Jennifer and Chris Cocker?

Stephanie: (grinning) Hee hee - Cocker. Yeah, well, we're done with them. Their story is over.

Brian: But it doesn't have an end? That's weird.

Stephanie: (sternly) Johnny Ace warned me about you, little girl. He said you weren't tall enough for this play. Let's just skip ahead and cut to the final scene. Everyone turn to page nine.

Everyone pages ahead and skims the scene

Billy: (looking up at Hunter) Hey! It says you kill us.

Hunter: Yup. I kill all of you with my light saber.

Brian: Screw you! You're not in our play!

Hunter: You listen here, Tracy Chapman…

Principal Jenkins: (returning to the auditorium) Excuse me. Excuse me! Mr. And Mrs. McMahon? I just went back to the main office and it's come to our attention that we don't have an Arnold McMahon or Helmsley or Levesque enrolled at this school at all. In fact, we did a quick check with our database and couldn't find any record of you two having any child whatsoever. Would you mind telling me why you called my office claiming to be a parent of a non-existent student so that you could write and direct our third grade play?

Awkward pause

Hunter: Well, you see. Uh…ha ha. Well, when Batista and I went to Hell, it was a Cell. I made Evolution and this business is the Game. Uh, I am Game. That's because, uh. Hey what's that over there?…run, Steph! Run!

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***

What's up, folks. Welcome to a stupendous edition of the Raw Insanity. Those of you unfortunate enough to see the Great American Bash, you know that the Undertaker killed Muhammad Hassan. Funny enough, it's the second year in a row that Take murdered someone at the Bash. Let's all hope for a Taker-Hunter match at next year's show, huh? Ah ha ha. So Muhammad Hassan's dead, but you're not. You're live and so's Raw. Let's get to talking and you can hear all about it….

Video recap of the John Cena-Chris Jericho situation. Cheap? You goddamn right it is.

Raw Theme Plays. If you listen closely to the words, you'll learn that it's actually a touching tale of a boy who's lost his puppy and, in his journey to find it, finds himself. Tear.

Can I have your autograph?

Sure.

Kurt Angle? Oh man. I thought you were George "the Animal" Steele.

 

 

Kurt "the Animal" Angle has arrived on the scene and he's hungry for a hometown hero in this installment of the Angle Invitational. Who's up for a shot at giving your Olympic Hero the Puder Treatment? Huh?

Who is it? Well, it's Christy Hemme from Raw Diva Search Part 1. What's up, Crusty? You here to challenge Your Olympic Animal? Are you the one playing the role of Matt Striker this week? Big "no" on that one, Kurtis. Hem is only here to introduce your opponent. It's Cleveland's own…Eugene Dinsmore!

The Gold Medallist is Gold Medal Pissed. How can Gene claim to be from Cleveland? He's not from this city! The two go back and forth with "yes, I am" and "no, you're not" for a while. Just to make sure the skit is kept tasteless, Kurt tells Eugene that he's only known him 30 seconds and he's already becoming "mentally challenged" because of him. (JG Note: Sure, Kurt. That's the reason you're mentally challenged.) The Invitational Guy tells Dinsmore that he should prepare to go back on the injured list. Ring the bell. It's awwwwn.

(1) Eugene won the Kurt Angle Invitational by lasting three minutes against Angle This was a great way to reintroduce Eugene to Raw. It was also nice to finally see one of these Three Minute Challenge things end. The best thing about it was the finish. It wasn't a hokey ending like Kurt putting Gene in an ankle lock and not getting a tap out as three minutes passed. It was Dinsmore knocking Kurt from the ring and the timer running out before he can get up and reenter. I actually found myself counting along to see if Kurt could possibly respond in time. Good stuff. Now Eugene has Angle's gold medals. I wonder if he'll wear them on his testicles like Chris Benoit did back when he stole them. Now that was some disturbing stuff.

Eugene puts the Crippler's Nut Ornaments around his neck as Kurt vows to make him rue the day. Still to come, John Cena has a singing contest with Chris Jericho. (JG Note: How come American Idol doesn't have random wrestling matches? That would only seem fair, right?) Then we have Edge against Kane in a Stretcher Match. It seems fitting since they've stretched this Kane-Lita thing on for over a year now.

Viscera is backstage with a midget partner. Seriously, he has a midge partner. Remember when they got Gizmo wet in Gremlins and the little balls flew out of his ass? The midget looks like the ball that flew out of Viscera. It was weird. I actually thought it was Mo from Men on a Mission at first. Then I realized he was like four feet tall. The Midget and the Mountain see action next! Who is that little person? Who are they gonna fight? What's this? Stay tuned!

Commercial Break. Hulk Hogan faces Shawn Michaels at Summerslam. No mention of Bea Arthur. Those bastards. It's all political.

Before the break, Kurt Angle lost to Eugene. If you're just tuning in, we're showing it to you. If you saw it the first time, you wasted time. You could have missed it and then caught up now. Sorry.

We're in the leather couch room with the GM and the WWE Champ. Eric Bischoff and John Cena have mad issues with each other and have decided to let it all out. John tells Uncle Eric that he's gone through phases in his life where he wanted to be like people. He wanted to be like Michael J. Fox and even, during a "weird phase" of his life, wanted to be "like Scott Baio for some reason." I swear, he said that. I guess a cutesy thing like that might work for the Rock, but with John on such a dangerous line between cool and dorky, they need to avoid stuff like this. Y2Cheap, Poopie, and Scott Baio do not mix. Anyway, the point was that JC knows who he is now. He's WWE Champ and he's here. Bisch retorts that he doesn't want a person like John serving him or his company as World Champion. (JG Note: He wants guys like Diamond Dallas Page and Ernest Miller.) He calls Dr. Thuggypants "white trash" and a "wannabe." From there, he turns his back and delivers a long and cutting speech. With Bischoff's back turned for the duration of the segment, they couldn't make the outcome any more obvious if they'd have had a scrolling headline saying "Cena Left." Needless to say, when EB turned around, he was stunned to find that John had… been shot in the head at point blank range by a robber! Oh no! Oh no! Hee hee, nah, I'm just kidding. When he turned around, Cena was gone. No murder. I had you going there for a second though, right?

(2) Viscera & Cloacus defeated the Heartthrobs & the Pocket Rocket when Vis pinned Antonio Oh how I missed these crazy tag team days. Where have all the Bushwhacker-Beverly Brothers midget-mixed feuds gone? Why don't we have a new Dink, Pink, Sleazy, and Cheesy for the new generation? Our prayers have been answered. Welcome the culmination of WWE's perversions. Finally…a midget named Pocket Rocket. We can cut down on them for introducing a name like this, but look at the bright side. They could have had him spit milk at fans on the way to the ring, right? In the end, 1 ½ Men on a Mission defeated Team Fruitcake and PR when they did some half-assed midget-jumps-from-the-big-guy thing. Blech.

They aired a video tribute to Lord Alfred Hayes. It was classy and well put together. For any wrestling fan who watched before the early 90s, Alfred was as solid a part of the WWF as the ring. So many great wrestling memories I have involved Hayes. From his appearances on Tuesday Night Titans to his Prime Time antics to lusting over Sherri Martel while doing commentary with Sean Mooney, his Lordship will be missed.

Commercial Break. Above all, my favorite Lord Alfred Hayes memory was always this one: Promotional Consideration paid for by the following. Brut…it smells like a man!

Shelton Benjamin is in Eric Bischoff's office and he's fuming about Carlito's Intercontinental Title reign. Now, Easy E, Benji isn't asking you to do him a favor. He's asking for his rightful title match against the Champ. He even goes so far as to call Carl a - wait for it - "apple biter." I kid you not. Shelly demands a street fight and Eric is nonplussed. You don't say what you're getting. You get a lesson from the General Manager. You get a handicap match against Gene Snitsky…and Chris Masters. Eat that, Benjamin. What does Shelton have to say about it? Well, just about the dumbest and most over scripted thing that the writers could come up with:

"A muscle head and a toe-sucking psycho. It sounds about like you breath smells. It stinks!"

- Shelton Benjamin, 9:31pm

Yeah, I have no idea what he was going for there. It sounds like it would have been lame even if he didn't screw it up.

Worked Shoot Moron Maria is interviewing Chris Jericho and overdoing the bubblehead act. She compliments Y2Cheap's band Fozzy and asks if the other Muppets will show up. She even sings "It's Not Easy Being Green." Yeah, this whole thing seems pretty forced. Chris stops her and condemns Cleveland for booing him. (Drew Carey Note: Cleveland Rocks!) Blah blah…Ayatollah of Rock-n-Rollah. Fozzy makes real music while Cena makes bad music. You know the promo. There's no point in reviewing it for you. Chris Jericho's been doing the same promo every week since 2002. Just change the names.

Commercial Break. Anyone else feel awkward when Spike TV airs the UFC ads? Until WWE leaves for USA Network, it's going to feel pretty uneasy around here. It's like a separated married couple still living under the same roof until one can get a new apartment. I guess TNA is like the rebound girl.

It's time for the Battle of the Bands! The winning group gets $20,000 and can save the house from being auctioned by the IRS! Oh wait, that was the Brady Bunch movie. This is just singing for the sake of singing. Hey, look at the bright side. It's not wrestling, right? Oh wait. That's not a bright side…

John Cena arrives with his No Limit Soldiers and they crank out the song he stole from Rikishi, Bad Man.

Once the Cena sing-along ends, Chris Jericho arrives with a microphone in hand. He tells John that he "sucked." However, the audience seemed to cheer for that sucky suckness! Is it because they like suckiness? Huh? No. It's because they're biased! It's a popularity contest! That's why Christopher has to call off Fozzy's performance tonight. Yes, Jericho spares us all the horror of hearing his band, thus becoming my favorite wrestler in the process. He points out how his band is already being booed because the fans don't like Chris the wrestler. Well, this ain't 'bout Chris the wrestler. It's about Chris the singer. Screw dat noise. Y2Cheap then offers us all the chance to see Chris the singing wrestler perform at Summerslam. That's where he'll become the new WWE Champion. Why? Because he's the "true bad, bad man!" Poor Rikishi. Always forgotten.

We're treated to a clip of Hogan Knows Best. This week it features Hulk at WrestleMania and the Hall of Fame. When showing the other inductees, Hogan says that he's in much better shape than "all these other guys." Yeah. Good for you, Hulkster. Tell it to Aresenio.

Commercial Break. Wednesday is Patrick Swayze Movie Night on Spike TV. Now that, my friends, is lame.

We're in the Leather Couch Room again. This time it's Sideshow Guarini himself, Carlito, who's standing beside Eric Bischoff. Schoff tells him that he has a surprise for him. Here's the deal, Fro Boy. You face off against Cena tonight in a non-title match. If you beat him, you get a title match next week! If you beat him again…then you go to Summerslam and face Chris Jericho! How's about it, Carlito? Sound apple-biting cool? To make the pot sweeter still, Sleasy E tells Coolio that tonight's guest ref will be the Fozzy McCheapstein himself, Chris Jericho! That's beyond cool. That's Gold's Club Champagne Room Cool!

Shawn Michaels has decided to trot to the ring wearing a suit. He's here to call out Hulk Hogan. You know the deal. There's one problemo though. Old Man Hogan is out promoting his dumb reality show. Well, HBK ain't into all that. He doesn't want to be a rock star or TV star. He just wants to be the greatest in-ring performer that WWE has ever known (JG Note: …and a Playgirl star.) Michaels has done busted his behind to entertain us all. According to Shawn, Hulk has been living off a reputation he created "20 years ago." That's unlike Kid Heartbreak who earns his stripes everyday. I have no idea what he was going for here. It made little sense, but came off hostile which is something the Rocker needed to do. He went on to point out the Hulkster's mansion that's shown off on VH1 and paid for by the fans. What did he give back to the fans? Nothing besides the "same tired posedown at the end of the night." That line was good. He followed up by saying that the promo was unscripted and that he was "doing stuff out here that we're not supposed to do." That was kind of silly, but the basic point was presented well. He closed out by saying that he was the old HBK again. While he was originally doing this for historic purposes, he's really doing it to settle a question.

"Years from now, when people look back and they ask, You know, who really was the all-around cowboy? And, with all due respect to each and every one of you, it doesn't really matter what you believe. All that matters is that when Summerslam is over and I'm looking into your eyes, Hulk Hogan. I know that you know that I am the Showstopper, the Headliner, the Main Event, the Icon! Hulk Hogan, whatchu gonna do? Whatchu gonna do when the Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels won't lay down for you?"

- Shawn Michaels, 10pm

all-around-cowboy-shawn.jpg

OK. This is a compliment that starts off bad. Here goes. This speech made no sense. Who the hell is going to ask who was the "all-around cowboy" of our day? Who says "all-around cowboy?" Lame. Here's where it's a compliment. Michaels got a strong reaction to it. That's the Shawn Michaels that we all love. It's the guy that can recite the phone book during a promo and still rile up an arena. The inflection in his voice and the smirk on his face make every thing he says seem important. Tonight's promo was definitely a throwback and glimpse of an HBK that we'd all like to see more of again.

Commercial Break. Let yourself go with Raw. If I'm going to let myself go, I'd rather do it with chocolate chip cookies and Vodka.

(3) Shelton Benjamin defeated Gene Snitsky & Chris Masters via disqualification…I think What sort of tag team from hell is Masters and Snitsky? Is there anyway we can get Heidenreich in there too? This match wasn't much to speak about and seemed to serve as a way to transition Shelton from his Carlito Obsession over to something else. It also seemed to reek of a run-in save from Big Show. That's what we got. The Masterpiece put the Masterlock on his Masteropponent. Benji passed out and the bell was called. Before the official announcement could be made, the ref appears to disqualify Chris for not releasing the Masterlock. Again, no announcement is made. Rather than ring announcer Lillian Garcia's melodic tones, we get Big Show with his big bald head.

Baby Huey beats down the baddies and helps Mr. Ben to his feet. Pssst….hey, who wants to be the one to tell Benjamin that teaming with Show is a proverbial kiss of death? Anyone? Anyone at all? Spike? Joy? Test? Anyone?

Commercial Break. Get new Axe Unlimited. I guess that means I just pay once and then take as many as I want, right? I'm gonna go get me a big trash bag and go to CVS.

John Coachman's here with the Ho Train. Who's gone this week? Who's the Raw Diva Search Hopeful that's getting axed? Cameron. No, not Kirk Cameron. Just Cameron. She's gone. How sad. I always loved the Growing Pains where he and Boner worked for the stereo store. Ah. Where were we? Oh yes…the perverse 2005 version of the Gong Show that WWE puts on every Monday Night.

This week it's a hot dog eating contest. (JG Note: Did they buy these things wholesale? I feel like this company has more hotdogs than they know what to do with.) What follows is a disjointed and half-assed contest that has no winner or purpose. In the end, two people are determined to have tied and must enter a 30 second eat off or whatever. I can't begin to explain how much of a mess this turned into. Leyla won and she has immunity. Next week we have a "Queen of the Mountain" competition. Why? Just to piss off Jeff Jarrett. Why else?

Still to come: A rapper faces an apple biter with a singer as a referee.

Commercial Break. This is really funny. There's a Subway commercial where Jared is being questioned by a mock Senate Sub Committee. They're asking him about the weight he lost on Subway. No big deal. Well, here's the funny part. They parody C-Span and on the bottom have S-Cam, standing for "Subway Cam." The only problem is that it says "SCAM" on the bottom of the screen during their commercial. No one saw that? Who the hell approved that? The last thing you want to do is have the word "scam" in big letters on the screen as you try to convince your customers that your food is healthy. Amazing.

(4) Edge defeated Kane in a stretcher match This was a good match. Then again, the stretcher match is a good one in that it has a different way to win than the any other match. There's the "lock someone in something" matches (casket, buried alive). There's the "climb something and get something" matches (ladder, stuff on a pole). There's "touch four corners" matches (Bullrope, Dog Collar). There's only one "roll your opponent over a line" match. Until they break out the wheelbarrow, this one will remain unique. These two put on a good match and any problem I have with the logic of this conflict now that Matt Hardy's back wasn't important when looking at the quality of their matches. Kane is underrated as a performer and Edge has settled into the heel role perfectly. In the end, it was Lita helping her real life/fake life bed bumper by distracting Kane and allowing Adam to waffle him with the IRS briefcase. Big Red landed on the stretcher and despite coming back to life ala Jason Voorhees a few times, ends up defeated after rolling over the line.

After the rolling defeat, Kane-o sprung off the stretcher and attacked Lita. He lifted her in the air and gave her the Linda McMahon Special. That's a tombstone on the stage. She plunges to the ground and Jim Ross cried "Lita's neck could be broken right here. I swear to God, her neck could be broken right here." You're right, J.R. She may have broken her neck….and for once, it's not her fault. As the Dark Angel lays dead on the cold steel, Matt Hardy springs from nowhere and goes on the attack. The announcers don't mention him by name as he's tackled and escorted out yet again. This is getting stupid now. How many times are we supposed to believe that Matt broke past WWE security and landed on TV? If the security is that lax, I'd hate to be a wrestler. I'm surprised fans aren't jumping them every week. Hell, Matt Hardy is. He's not an employee, right? Right? Well, if that's the case, next Monday I'm going to Raw and I'm jumping Todd Grisham. Hell's yeah. Stop me.

Commercial Break. I don't watch it as I'm too busy planning my trip to Raw so I can ambush Grisham and then try to work all the people on my message board.

Kane's in the ambulance backstage and he asks the prone Lita if she's ever taken the "Highway to Hell." When a policeman try to stop the Big Red Machine from commandeering the vehicle, he gets pummeled. The announcers ask when enough will be enough with this situation. Strange enough, I've been wondering the same thing for over a year.

We're four weeks away from Summerslam. To celebrate, we all gorge ourselves on a Hulk Hogan Propaganda Video Package. Vince McMahon calls Hulkamania "endearing." Give it six months and he'll be calling it "crappy" again. Then, six months later - endearing. This repeats over and over. I'd compare Hogan and Vince's relationship to an on-again off again high school couple, but Vinnie's relationship with Roddy Piper gets that honor. Triple H appears in the piece and has no facial hair. Take that for what you will. It either means he came to his senses and shaved…or else he taped it a while ago. I'm leaning towards "taped it a while ago."

Chris Jericho's coming to the ring. He has a ref's shirt. It's not shiny! Y2J in normal clothes…next!

Commercial Break. Great American Bash sucked. Now order the encore! Hooray!

(5) Carlito pinned John Cena after Chris Jericho attacked Cena Good match to make. Cena and Cool both had issues that were never really settled on Smackdown. At a time when there was little else to watch SD for, this feud kept the show afloat. Now on Raw, they can use the two of them in a way to get the WWE title over. Also, with Triple H off of TV for a while, I'm in favor of pushing as many new names as possible. Raw needs a cycle of new people in the main event. It's needed new main eventers for years. Anyway, during the match Eric Bischoff appeared on the stage and Lawler called him "frosty" something. It seems like it was said earlier backstage in an inside-joke type of way. They all seemed to react strangely to it. As Ross chimed about Cena saying it earlier, Coachman told them both to shut up. No clue what this was about. Maybe they call Bischoff "Frosty-Ass" behind his back. (Sol Rosenberg Note: They call me Leatherneck. I'm silly. Silly.) Although appearing to be impartial for the duration of the match, Y2Cheap showed his true cheap colors by kicking John in the nads while he was attempting to give Carlito the FU. Dr. Thuggypants was then treated to a Jericho Lionsault before being covered for a Cool three count. The Champ is here…and he lost.

After the official word, Bischoff congratulates Carly Colon's kid. Chris Jericho admires the title. Cena makes pained faces. The TV fades to black.

All in all… OK, look. I hate to be the voice of logic in all this, but can someone make out how this all makes sense?

Kane wins Lita in a match against Matt Hardy. He then marries her and that's that. Sometime later, Lita and Edge hook up in real life. Matt, her real life boyfriend, becomes enraged when it's discovered and is fired for expressing himself online. To capitalize on this real life issue , WWE constructs an angle where Kane plays the role of Matt Hardy and loses his "wife" to Edge. It's art imitating life. The Big Red Machine plays the role of Hardy. It's symbolic.

Well, then how can Matt come back to the company to feud with Edge, yet Kane is still playing the same role? It makes no sense. Hardy's mad because Lita cheated on him in real life. That seems to imply that she cheated on Kane in fake life, right? Fake life? It's like some sort of rip in the Space-Time Continuum. If something symbolizes something else, it ceases to become useful when the thing it symbolizes returns. I don't know why, but it really bothers me. In the case of Kane-Lita, I'd have been in favor of a Big Red Smackdown jump and no mention of the marriage again once Matt showed up. Instead we get this illogical headache.

Shawn Michaels delivered a pretty good promo tonight. It's something new for him and makes you realize why he's better when he's cocky. If only he'd be willing to go all out and actually play the role that made him famous, he'd be more exciting to watch. He's not wearing the DX gear, he's wearing a suit and has a balding mullet. The Heartbreak Kid shouldn't remind me of Michael Bolton. That's not cool. Know what was cool?

Carlito went over John Cena. That was cool. I would have liked to have seen more focus put on Shelton Benjamin's issue with the Intercontinental Champion, but this works too. It shows that they have big plans and will put some focus on new names while the Hunter is away. We just need to hope that they stop giving everyone such stupid stuff to say during promos.

This show was OK. It was better than last week. If for no other reason than the fact that it was different than the last few shows. Not bad. After the Bash, it was going to be hard to look bad anyway.

That's it for me. I'll see you all next week for some more Raw Insanity. See you then. Well, I won't see you, but you know what I mean.



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JG's 2012 in Pictures (As Hulk Hogan Will Remember It)
JG's Quintuple Bypass Surgery Insanity
JG's Five Episodes of Diff'rent Strokes That Scarred Me For Life
JG's Ten Facebook Posts That Are Slowly Driving Me Crazy
JG's Ten Truly Terrible Reality Competition Shows
JG's Ten 1980s TV Characters Who Taught Me To Hate
JG's Ten Wrestling Characters Who Went Through Massive Personality Changes
JG's Ten Old School Wrestlers Who Would Terrorize Today's PG WWE

The Challenge: Final Reckoning - Episode 5
TGIF: Garden of Honor, China Cena, and More
The ROHbot Report: UK Tour on FITE, Death Before Dishonor, And More
The Challenge: Final Reckoning - Episode 4
TGIF: Missing Monster In The Bank, Broken Gimmicks, and More
The ROHbot Report: Global Wars Tour, Alex Shelley Retires, And Mor
The Challenge: Final Reckoning - Episode 3
TGIF: Daniel Bryan Goes Full Snitsky, Vince's Riddle, and More
The ROHbot Report: New World Champion, Honor For All Review, And More
The Challenge: Final Reckoning - Episode 2
TGIF: A New Day For Hulk, MLW's Major League Potential, and More
The ROHbot Report: Nashville Return, Top Contenders 6-Man Gauntlet, And More
The Challenge: Final Reckoning - Episode 1
TGIF: Japanese Garden Party of Honor, Rib JR's Rib, and More
The ROHbot Report: Bully-Burger Steal the Show, NWA Title in ROH, And More
Anime Verdict: Street Fighter 2 The Animated Movie
TGIF: Hug Therapy, Down Goes Dalton, and More
The ROHbot Report: Best in the World Review, Fairfax TV Tapings, And More
TGIF: Dog Bites Artist, All Them, and More
The Challenge: Champs vs. Stars 3 - Finale & Reunion
The ROHbot Report: Best in the World '18, TV Classic Main Event, And More
TGIF: Cass'd Away, DIY Does It Again, and More
The ROHbot Report: State of the Art Reviews, ROH International Cup, And More
The Challenge: Champs vs. Stars 3 - Episode 9
TGIF: The Greatest Professional Wrestling Match Of All Time
The ROHbot Report: San Antonio/Dallas Previews, Bullies Dominate, and More
The Challenge: Champs vs. Stars 3 - Episode 8
TGIF: CM Punk Gets One More WWE Victory, Constable Corbin, and More
The ROHbot Report: Austin Aries Goes For The Gold, NY TV Results, And More
Solo: A Star Wars Story Review


-

JG's 8/6/07 Raw Insanity: The McMahon Resurrection and Paternity Suit
Aug 6, 2018
JG's 8/3/10 NXT Insanity: Lucky Charms and Losing Makes Perfect
Aug 3, 2018
JG's 7/30/07 Raw Insanity: Carlito Spits In The Face Of Stars Of The Marine
Jul 30, 2018
JG's 7/27/09 Raw Insanity: Shaquille O'Neil Went To Leprechaun School
Jul 27, 2018
JG's 7/25/05 Raw Insanity: Carlito Pins The WWE Champion...Seriously
Jul 25, 2018
JG's 7/24/06 Raw Insanity: The Debut of Mr. McPhone
Jul 24, 2018
JG's 7/23/07 Raw Insanity: Randy Orton Kicks Dusty Rhodes In The Head
Jul 23, 2018
JG's 7/21/08 Raw Insanity: John Cena Accidentally Punches Batista On Purpose
Jul 21, 2018
JG's 7/20/10 NXT Insanity: McGillibuddies Make Michael Cole Want To Throw Up
Jul 20, 2018
JG's 7/14/03 Raw Insanity: Kane Isn't Burned, But J.R. Is
Jul 14, 2018
JG's 7/13/10 NXT Insanity: Nextivus For The Rest of Us
Jul 13, 2018
JG's 7/12/04 Raw Insanity: Kane's a Woman
Jul 12, 2018
JG's 7/11/05 Raw Insanity: Poor Man's Pillman V1
Jul 11, 2018
JG's 7/6/09 Raw Insanity: Ted DiBiase Breaks The Fifth Commandment
Jul 6, 2018
JG's 7/4/05 Raw Insanity: Chavo Guerrero becomes White
Jul 4, 2018
JG's 7/2/07 Raw Insanity: Has Anyone Seen Daniel Beck?
Jul 2, 2018
JG's 6/19/06 Raw Insanity: Vince Pumps Chickens
Jun 19, 2018
JG's 6/18/07 Raw Insanity: Mick Foley Gets A Samoan Bulldozing
Jun 18, 2018
JG's 6/15/09 Raw Insanity: Donald Trump Will Buy Anything
Jun 15, 2018
JG's 6/14/04 Raw Insanity: Hunter is Eugene's Best Friend
Jun 14, 2018

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