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JG's 7/27/09 Raw Insanity: Shaquille O'Neil Went To Leprechaun School

By James Guttman Jul 27, 2018 - 8:11 AM print


Originally Published July 27, 2009


 

Monday...Noon... White House "Beer Summit"

Barack Obama: Welcome, everyone.  Now this past week, I spoke a bit out of turn about the arrest of Professor Henry Louis Gates. I feel that my comments about police officer Sgt. James Crowley may have stirred some racial tension and for that, I wanted to open, uh, a dialogue. Now, I've had the White House bring us up some beers and I have invited Professor Gates...

Professor Gates nods.

Obama: ...and Sgt. Crowley...

Sgt Crowley nods.

Obama: ...and Triple H...

Triple H nods.

Obama:...to join us in opening, uh, a dialogue about racial relations that many may feel...uh, yes? Professor Gates.

Professor Gates: Who is this?

Triple H: (hand outstretched) Name's Triple H.

Gates: (not taking his hand) Triple H? Three H's? Your name is "Ha Ha Ha?"

Hunter: (angrily) Listen, Sinbad...



Obama: Gentlemen, please. Today, World Wrestling Entertainment scheduled a, uh, photo shoot. It was set weeks in advance and in order to fit this beer meeting into my tight schedule, we had to double up.

Hunter: I'm not drinking beer. I'm drinking Cherry Gatorade.

Obama: That's understandable. I'm sure your workout regime doesn't allow for alco...

Hunter: (grinning) ...mixed with Vodka.

Obama: That's great. Now, gentlemen, this situation allows us all to talk about the importance of bringing people together. Our country is bitterly, uh, divided. We need to join together for a common cause.

Hunter: I know what would bring people together. You should bomb Chyna.

Obama: Why would I bomb China?

Hunter: What? Not China. Chyna.

Obama: China China? Like dishes?

Hunter: No. With a "y."

Obama: (confused) Yishes?

Hunter: Nevermind. Forget I said anything. I don't want to go to jail or anything. Then again, I'm white. So I'm cool.

Sgt. Crowley: See? This is the type of attitude that makes people think the worst about law enforcement.

Hunter: So what are you saying? You're going to arrest me because I'm white?!

Crowley: No. No. I mean that...

Hunter: RACIST ! You're a racist, sir. This is what happens to a white man in America!

Crowley: Relax, man. Get some air. Go outside.

Hunter: I'll talk to your mama outside!

Obama: Hunter, that's enough.

Hunter: But he's acting stupidly!

Obama: No more. Now, let's try to get things back on track. There's racial tension in the world.

Hunter: (muttering) There's racial tension in this room.

Obama: Now, I regret that things got so out of hand and that this controversy won't seem to die down. Perhaps we can open a, uh, dialogue about the troubles of...what are you doing?!

Hunter: Nothing.

Obama: You just put that statue of Ben Franklin in your bag!

Hunter: Ben Franklin? I thought it was a barbarian. (smiling) I like barbarians.

Everyone stares at Hunter.

Hunter: Uh, I mean, I didn't take anything.



Obama: I saw you take it.

Hunter: (looking around) Oh! I get it! Blame the white guy, right?! Huh?! It's all me! (sarcastically) I'm the one who wants to bomb Chyna. I'm the one who took the Barbarian Franklin trophy. I'm the one who peed in the plastic plant over there. Sure. Sure. It's all me!

Gates: Is that why it smells funny over by the plant?

Crowley: Can I please arrest him?

Obama: No. No. We need to finish this, uh, discussion about what's going on. It's what I promised the American people.

Gates: Well, I wouldn't exactly call this meeting relaxing.

Hunter: What's the problem, Bill Gates? You're not having fun?

Gates: Not really. No.

Hunter: Oh. Well, here's an idea. How about I tell a joke?

Obama: I don't know if this...
-
Hunter stands on his chair and rips off his tie, jacket, and shirt.
-
Hunter: What's black...and white...and red allllllllll over?

Everyone stares.

Hunter: THIS ROOM! (big swig of Cherry Gatorade) Pssssbbbbbbbbbbbbtttttttttttttt!

Cherry Gatorade sprays from Hunter's mouth all over the President, Professor Gates, and Sgt. Crowley.

Obama: What the heck are you doing?!

Hunter: Guess it's time for Change. A change of clothes! HAHAHAHAHA!

Crowley, Obama, and Gates angrily wipe themselves off and storm out of the room. Hunter, seeing a red phone on the table, picks it up.

Hunter: Hello? Breaker 1-9. Breaker 1-9. This is Bill Gates. Bomb Chyna...oh, and North Korea. Bye.

 


 

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Get ready folks, Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are on nothing more than Red Bull and Robitussin DM tonight. Why? Because Shaquille O'Neil is here. That's right! He's our celebrity host thing. It's a big night because, as you'll learn from the commercial breaks, Shaq doesn't just do any old thing. What will the big man have in store? Who knows? (JG Note: Full disclosure. I'm hoping that Vince McMahon tries to attack O'Neil during the show, but is thwarted. That way I can call this thing, "JG's 7/27 Raw Insanity: Big Mac's Shaq Attack is Whack." Let's just all keep our fingers crossed.)

So excited is he that King Jerry starts us off center-ring. Mic in hand, he is proud to introduce tonight's guest host. He is a 15 time NBA MVP. He's the most dominant NBA player of all time. He's the star of Shazam! It's...

...Shaquille O'Neil!

Shaq steps onto the ramp and the Verizon center can hear him now. Cole reminds us all that the big man is in full control tonight. Like Kenny on Remote Control, it's his show. His basement. His rules.

"Washington D.C., hello! First of all, my new teammate Lebron James told me to tell you all hello. Alright, alright. I'm just playing. I just want to say, it's great hosting Raw. It's great Vince McMahon put me in charge. My rules. My show. We're gonna have a great time tonight."
- Shaquille O'Neil


What sorts of news, Shaqy? Well, how about a Beat The Clock Challenge to determine Randy Orton's SummerSlam opponent. Sound good? Well it is. Here, it gets better. Want to know who's involved? Well, these are the Clock Beaters...

Triple H, MVP, Jack Swagger, Mark Henry, and John Cena!

Thanks to explanation from Jerry, we learn that the man to win his match in the quickest time will go on to face Mr. Orton at the big PPV. And that is that. Now if anyone has something to say about that, well, they can just break the walls down.

Oh, and down the came. They crumble and Chris Jericho, in his lovely suit, steps into the ring, goes eye-to-nipple with the gigantic NBA star, and kicks him right in the boo-boos.

"When I heard the most dominant player in NBA history was hosting Raw, I naturally assumed it was Kobe Bryant."
 
- Chris Jericho

Awwwww....snap.

Not content to be called second fiddle to Kobe, O'Neil responds by calling Y2J "Christina" and then kissing him on the head. It shocked us all. Like a scene from HBO's Oz, Shaq goes on to pat Jericho's pretty hair as the tag champion turns redder and redder. Uh...alright. Whatever, dude.  Unable to contain his frustration, Jericho lashes out. Listen, pal. Chris is the man around here and you best recognize. Everyone needs to show some more respect to the Highlight of The Night. He's earned it.

Once again, Shaquille has no problem with the tiny Y2J that he can't solve with his fists. Christopher backs down because, well, he comes up to his bellybutton. Shaq-Fu should pick on someone his own size. Like who? How about the man who is one half of the World Tag Team Champions JericShow. He is - drum roll, please - ...

The Big Show.

Yeah. I wish it was Christian too, but if it was, that would have made this segment seem silly. Now wouldn't it?

So Giant Paul Wight steps out with his big suit and moustache-less goatee. He's not here to be intimidated, bean pole. You ain't nothing but a hoochie mama. There's no scaring the giant.

"You have a better chance of making two free throws in a row than intimidating me."
- Big Show

Uh oh. What do you say to that, Mr. Man?

"Let me tell you something, fat boy..."
 
- Shaquille O'Neil

That's when it happens. The former WCW Superstar Shaquille O'Neil challenges Fattie McFattiepants to a battle.  Right here.  Right now.

"I see what you're trying to do. You're trying to goad me into this. You se, I fight you. I cripple you. I destroy you. And guess what happens? David Stern and the whole NBA come down on my neck."
- Big Show

The Big S Man explains that will lead to a mass exodus of NBA stars running to WWE trying to fight him. Then he'll cripple them too. How would that look? The entire NBA all crippled because of the Big Show? He would be like a one-man Swine Flu, knocking out stars at will. Then he'd be sent to a center to be studied by scientists. Poked. Prodded. He'd get implanted with a chip to make him do the government's dirty work and, honestly, who has time for that? No way, Shaq-zay. B.S. knows b.s. when he hears it. No match. Not happening.

Sounds good to the man in charge, pal. He doesn't need to dirty his hands on your pudgy head. He hired two guys to get the job done. That's right. And it only cost him like five bucks.

Yo, JTG, where we going?

Kareem Abdhul Jabar said something about fighting some dudes in suits.

Cryme Tyme runs to the ring and stand by the Raw GM as the heels nervously back away. It's anti-climatic as hell until....Big Shaq reveals that the match is still on. Oh, and when it does happen later tonight, we'll have a special out-of-the-ring enforcer. That person?

Mr. Feeney from Boy Meets World.

Duh. It's Shaquille O'Neil. Who'd you think? I don't even know if Mr. Feeney is still alive. Come on! Oh, and before the Tag Champions run off, mean-old-Mr. Shaq has a few words for them.

"Don't mess up, fat boy. Bye Christina. Christina!"
- Shaquille O'Neil

O'Neil repeats "Christina" about 13 times to drive the point home. Girls names are funny and so is JericShow. Oh, and get this. The Beat The Clock Challenge starts next. Next? Yes, my friend. Next.

Commercial Break.

-
1. Beat The Clock Challenge: Mark Henry pinned Carlito in 6:49

How boring these Beat The Clock Matches are. The worst thing is that it seems almost impossible to make them fair - in the worked sense. Who's to say which opponents are the same toughness? Each guy fights someone different, so it seems pretty unscientific. Even worse is that the opponents in the Beat The Clocks have no shot to do anything. You'd think that if Carlito were to beat Mark Henry through some act of God, he's get a shot in the match, right? Wrong. He's just a spoiler. So there's almost no point to him being there at all other than to job in a set amount of time. Getting your ass kicked with no chance of reward? That's nah'cool. What is cool? Mark Henry. Why do I say this? Because he could kill me. The guy is a mountain and his wrestling style matches his look. Say what you want about pushes and muscles, but if I had to pick a WWE star to be by my side in a bar fight, Henry is in the top three - if not one, easily. Sadly, he's not too limber. After missing a sitdown splash, Marcus found himself fighting back against his chosen tomato can. Cool even managed to nail a flying dropkick. Another thing that made this match seem weird was the sides of the fence these guys are on. You watch it and your mind naturally makes Henry the heel and Carly the baby face. They even seemed to wrestle the match in that style. At one point, Caribbean Colon locked Sexual Chocolate in a sleeper and he awkwardly responded with the good-guy power-up. It felt really forced. Carl kept kicking out valiantly while the tenacious giant did what he could to stop him. What did it finally take? The World's Strongest Slam. That's right. The big man hit it and it was all over. That World's Strongest Slam - it's pretty strong, ya know.

Up next, Mickie James and five of her friends get naked and kiss....I think. I don't know. I wasn't really paying attention.

Commercial Break.

2. Kelly Kelly, Mickie James and Gail Kim defeated Beth Phoenix, Eva Mendez, and Alicia Fox when Gail pinned Fox.

Oh look. It's a six-diva tag thing. Some cool stuff happens. Gail Kim does some crazy moves. But in the end, it's the six-diva tag thing. They could shoot the biggest angle in wrestling history smack-dab in the middle of this match and people still wouldn't remember it. They could have Elvis resurrect and fight the Pope and Muhammad Ali in a handicap match and people would still forget. They'd just remember it was a six-diva tag thing. There's just too many of them and it often feels like lazy booking in order to fill time and show more women at the same time. While there's nothing wrong with that here and there, it makes it all seem monotonous when it happens every week. In the end, it all came to a close with Kelly Kelly never even getting into the ring. That should tell you something.

Afterwards, we find out why Michael Cole was so quiet during that last match. He's backstage in Shaq's NBA-inspired office. This gets interrupted when Hornswoggle comes in to share a hug with the acting General Manager. O'Neil tells Michael that he and the leprechaun went to school together. That's right. Shaquille O'Neil went to leprechaun school. Wow. Horny then dunks a basketball and Cole tells the celebrity host, "That was Shaqalicious." But, you know, in a dorky white guy way. He then put up his fist for a terrorist fist bump. Bada-boom-ching. Weird stuff. But once again, the type of thing they're trying to get onto mainstream reporting. That way when you reach the elusive non-fan with a visual image of Shaq in WWE, they'll see him hugging a leprechaun. To quote the great Tony Schiavone, "That'll put a lot of butts in seats."

Commercial Break

He's back....

Good for Chris. One of the things that I got from his ClubWWI.com interview was how much this guys really cares about the wrestling business. Then again, a WWE return can either go really well...or really bad. There's not too much middle ground there.

3. Beat The Clock Challenge: Chris Masters and M.V.P. fought to a double countout.

MVP was wearing his red pajama outfit for this one. You know the one. It's the one that looks like it should have a butt-flap on it as he opens Christmas presents. A part of me thinks that he'll never get over wearing the outfits he does. I don't know. It just feels that way. Like why does he need to cover his arms? Isn't he sweaty in that thing? Why make yourself uncomfortable when you don't have to be? It's almost like these two guys were dressed for completely different weather. Masters is wearing tightie whities and Montel is in a frickin' turtleneck. While the return of the Masterpiece was met with a strong reaction at first, the reality started to sink in that he was playing job-squad duty for Mr. V.P. in the Beat The Clock Challenge. But luckily, it didn't go down that way. Porter and Chris ended up outside the ring and when the returning star locked in his Masterlock Full Nelson, no one was going anywhere. The referee counted to ten and Mordetzky, in his first night back, spoils the View Guy's evening.

Still to come: Cody Rhodes vs. Ha Ha Ha.

The Brian Kendrick doesn't like The King Jerry Lawler. He jaws with the Memphis Legend at ringside before his next match, but he should have been focusing on his opponent. Even when Kofi Kingston hit the ring, the low-level good guy gone low-level bad guy couldn't stop from threatening Mr. Lawler.

"As soon as I'm done beating him up, I'm gonna come down there and slap you till you cry!"
- Brian Kendrick

Gotcha, buddy. All good. But then, Kendrick turns around and...

4. Kofi Kingston pinned The Brian Kendrick after the Trouble in Paradise

Two seconds. Bam. He flattened The and then covered him for a three count. No post-match slapping. No nothing. Just pinning. Note to Brian: The good news is they're using you. That's the good news...

Backstage, Triple H is walking to the ring for his match with Cody Rhodes...or maybe he's going to get a drink or something. Who knows. I'm not in his head. If I was, I could have warned him that Ted DiBiase was lingering around with a long black pipe of some kind. It looked just right for whacking knees. He calls it his knee-whacker. For whacking knees. That's what it does. In fact, that's what it does here. Teddy DB swings his knee-whacker at the Game and leaves the scene of the crime. You know what he always says, right? Everybody's got a knee-whacker for the Million Dollar Man's son! HAHAAHHAAHHAHA!

Commercial Break.

You know thumpin' Cody? You and your brotha Duthtin are ma' pride and joy, baby. You know why? Becauth out of all ma'sonss - all ma boys - you the two I didn't eat, baby.

5. Beat The Clock Challenge: Triple H failed to beat Cody Rhodes in under 6:49.

Say what we will about Triple H, but he got Cody Rhodes over pretty big here. Rhodes beat Hunter silly and targeted his knee in order to keep him from mounting any offense. The Game plan for Legacy seemed to be to keep-Trips-down. That's what he did. Michael Cole sold the idea too. Randy Orton must have given Cody some marching orders to keep Helmsley from advancing in the B.T.C. I could just picture him saying, "Sweep the leg, Cody. Do you have a problem with that?" As the time ticked down, you had to wonder how Ha Ha Ha could bounce back and regain control. When Rhodes locked in the Figure Four, it seemed even less likely. With thirty-three seconds left, he did come back though. Momentum started to swing and that's when Ted DiBiase showed up. He popped onto the ring apron and dared the Cerebral Assassin to hit him. But Gameboy didn't take the bait. With one second left, he nailed the Pedigree and...lost. The buzzer rang out like Family Feud and the son-in-law is S.O.L. No win for you! Cue the trumpet. Waah- waaaaaaa.....

Backstage, Shaq is playing Scrabble with Santino Marella. Santa doesn't trust Shaquile's gameplay and questions some of his words, but no matter. Cryme Tyme is here and they ain't down with that reading shat! They're here to talk about "doing what we do when we do what we do. Shyeah! Shyeah!" With that, we break into a stirring rendition of "Money, money, yeah, yeah." The place was pumping...until Santino busted out a freestyle rap of his own. Sound fun? Nah. Anyway, that was it. Segment ends and WWE has yet another piece of footage featuring Shaqille O'Neil doing something ridiculous on their watch.

Commercial Break.

 

Outside in Washington DC, we take a look at the Jefferson Memorial. Michael Cole worries that we may get a "Shaq Memorial" if things go the way they go tonight. Why Cole believes that Shaquille O'Neil and Thomas Jefferson both deserve the same post-mortem tribute is beyond me - but he does. Between this and the Shaqlicious thing, I'm starting to think that someone has a man-crush....

6. Hornswoggle pinned a blindfolded Chavo Guerrero after a Tadpole Splash

You know what I love? I love that Chavo gets mad whenever he hears the pre-match stipulations, but he doesn't get mad at the fact that he's feuding with a leprechaun. With a Jake Robert-Rick Martel style blindfold hood over his face, Guerrero went about stumbling through the ring. You know, the Roberts-Martel match at WrestleMania VII really exposed the business for me as a fan. On the live PPV, there was s shot of Jake reaching in to adjust his hood. That's when you could see his fingers through the black mesh eyeholes. The camera quickly pulled out, but the damage was done. In later DVD releases, they've edited it out. I have the VHS tape somewhere. It was pretty terrible. So yeah. This match conjures up some bad memories. When you add to that that it also features a "little person" versus Chavo Guerrero, you're in for a bad time. That's what we had here. Aside from trying to remove his mask once and getting reprimanded by the very animated referee, Chavito stayed by the rules. He only removed his hood as he was about to be hit with the Tadpole Splash and pinned. Yup. You read it, buddy. Tadpole Splash and pinned. Note to Chavo: The good news is they're using you. That's the good news...

Hi Randy Orton! It's Jack! Jack Swagger and he's got some good news and bad news for you. Good news, Triple H isn't fighting you for the WWE Title. The bad news is that Single J Single S is. That's right. He's gonna beat the clock tonight and then Swagger into Summerslam to take that title back to Swagger City, baby! Ooooo yeah! Can you dig it, daddy? Owwww! Swaggastreet USA, baby! With that, J-Swag exits Stage Left.

...and Enter Mark Henry. A sweaty Sexual Chocolate, our current Beat The Clock Leader, walks in, stands two inches from Randy Orton, and breathes heavy on him. Ewww. Creepy. Go take a shower. Why are you still sweaty? You wrestled an hour ago!

Commercial Break

7. Beat The Clock Challenge: Spoiler Evan Bourne pinned Jack Swagger with a cradle.

The host of the All American All American American's American Trekin' In America, Jack Swagger is in a great spot right now. After building up on ECW, this is his time. Matches like this one set him apart from the roster and show him as a viable main eventer. Is he? Probably not, but it makes it seem like he could be. That said, he's a solid performer that has tons of potential that's yet to be tapped. Long term, guys like Jack, Evan Bourne, Cody Rhodes, Kofi Kingston, Ted DiBiase, and others will be the big name superstars. This time period will be their early years like Deacon Batista or Randy Orton's RNN. These two are prime examples of that young talent. Bourne has connected with the crowd quicker than most stars could imagine. Even with little to know background information given about him, Evan still manages to get people behind him based purely on his style. In this case, he got people to like him by playing the 1,2,3 Kid role. Seemingly out of nowhere, Bourne reversed a power bomb attempt into a cradle and scored the pin. That's right. The P to the m.f.'n I - N. Sorry, Jack. Not swaggering now, eh? Jack Sulking. You should call yourself that. How about Jack Cover-His-Ears-And-Shake-His-Head? That's what he did after the bell. Our time is still 6:49. Our leader is still that sweaty, breathe-on-ya guy.

Commercial Break.


Next week's Raw Host: Jeremy Piven. That's the biggest name they've gotten yet. I have to admit, I'm not a huge fan of his, but his new movie, "The Goods" looks funny.

Earlier Tonight: Triple H didn't win. He could have if he wanted to, but he didn't. Just so you know, though. He could have.

Backstage, Triple H is still in his wrestling trunks and sweaty too. Just like Mark Henry, Hunter doesn't like to shower. Instead, he likes to drip all over the floor in his dirty clothes and talk to Josh Matthews. Helmsley goes on an involved tangent about taking out Legacy once and for all. How? Next week - Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase vs. The Game. That's it. As we finish up, he reminds the Million Dollar American Dreams that he's a guy not to be messed with.

Uh, Miz, where are your pants?

You said that after the break I had to go into the ring and, you know. Beat...you know.

I said CLOCK! With an "L!" You have to Beat The C LOCK!

Oh sorry, man. I just... I really want to be famous.

8. Beat The Clock Challenge: John Cena pinned Mike The Miz in under 6:49 to win the title match at SummerSlam.

The Miz gets some cheap heat before the match by poking fun at the hometown sports teams. I'm never a huge fan of doing that on a national TV show. It gets the crowd to hate you, but it doesn't affect anyone else. I remember when the heel Edge and Christian would go to Boston and wear Yankees caps. It didn't make me hate them. I'm from New York. Then, when they come to New York and make fun of the Yankees, it's like, "Weren't you just wearing our hats last week?" At house shows, it's great. On TV, not so much. So here we are. Two choices. Either John Cena goes to SummerSlam or Mark Henry does. Yawn. We either get Cena-Orton 300 or Henry-Orton: The Match I've Never Thought "Hey I Wish That Would Happen."  Just because the match is over done doesn't mean that DJ Jazzy John isn't over like popcorn. The Marine got a huge reaction for his attacks on the arrogant Mizerable. Those were few and far between, though. Mike managed to avoid his foe and sneak in with his slithery offense when he saw an opening. That's what lead to the near countout that saw J.C. slide in at nine. Doing whatever he could to keep the doctor of thuganomics from battling back, Double M tied him up in the ropes and tried to keep him busy. It was a good plan, but one that fell apart when 12 Rounds Johnny hit a drop toehold and locked in the STF. Tappity Tap Tap Tap.

Following the bell, Randy Orton walked into the ring and stood in front of John Cena. John looked at him. What would the Champion do?

Hit him with a chair?

Hit him with a hammer?

Shoot him?

No. He just held his belt up in the air. That's it. I guess he just wanted to show it to him. Very strange. No fighting. Just belt-holding. If anything, this segment added credence to the whole "Randy Orton is a robot" conspiracy theory.

Up next: Shaquille O'Neil puts himself over a bit more.

Commercial Break.


Next week, Jeremy Piven hosts and Triple H fights Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes. Uh...if the guest host has total control over the show, then how can a match be booked for Jeremy Piven's week? Doesn't Hunter have to clear that with Piven? Did he call him between the last promo and now? Lame "power" you got there, Jeremy. No wonder John Cusack held you down.

You don't think I'm fat, do you?

What?

I said, you don't think I'm fat, do you, Chris?

I think you're very nice, Show.

I didn't ask you that.

What?

You don't think I'm fat, do you?

What?

Ugh. I said, you don't think I'm fat, do you?

I know. I said before. I think you're very nice.

You're not answering my question.

Huh?

You're purposely not answering my question.

What question?

STOP THAT!

9. Cryme Tyme defeated Big Show and Chris Jericho via disqualifciation

Big Show looks ridiculous. I mean it. He looks like that kid in Willie Wonka that turns into a blueberry. What the hell? He's got this big Humpty Dumpty outfit on and it just makes him look so much rounder than he is. It's like you can't stop staring at him. He's just a giant Weeble Wobble...or one of those Russian Dolls. Like you can open him up and there will be smaller Big Shows inside him...and you can open them up and there's smaller ones inside that. Just. Yeah. Wow. Anyway, at one point, Michael Cole shows that he doesn't fully understand how time works when he says that Raw has "had some great guest hosts including Jeremy Piven next week." I don't know why, but that just bothered me. Maybe it was because this match was really anticlimactic. When WWE would do these Celebrity-Wrestler feuds, they go on for months. Bam Bam-L.T., Mr. T- Roddy Piper, they had long buildups. This is a throwaway main event with a one night build. It featured The Big Show in his silly new outfit and Shaquille doing nothing for the duration of the bout. As things continued to drag on, it just felt more and more tedious. Shaq is a one week thing, right? So whatever happens tonight doesn't matter as it relates to his feud. That's why nothing here seemed to matter. All this was was a way to showcase the new tag champions and the Big Blueberry Show in all his angry glory. He ran in and went nuts. With fists flying, Showster heard the bell toll for him. It was a disqualification. That's why you have to learn to keep your temper and wait your turn. Sorry, Round Smurf. You lose.

After the bell, Show turned his attention to Shaquille O'Neil. He invited big Shaq to get in the ring and the NBA star does just that. They stand toe-to-toe and exchange shoves before....

...Biggie grabs him by the throat. As Andre the Giant would say, he choooookes, aha haha, and chooooookes!

But Shaquille choooooked back! They two hold each other tenderly by the throats and that's when Cryme Tyme run back in. Michael Cole actually screams out, "Boom Shakalaka!" Duh.

As the heels run from the ring, the good guys celebrate, and Cole calls the night "Shaqtacular." Another duh moment, one final replay, and a parting shot of Shaquille "WWE Highlight Footage" O'Neil as we fade to black.

All in all...Meh. Good moments. But again, I wasn't blown away.

Here’s the problem. WWE is enamored with it's "quirky" comedy bits. At some point, someone convinced them that this is the future of wrestling. Considering that drama and action pull in huge numbers too and wrestling seems a natural setting for that, they stick with comedy. The comedy they do is so low-rent ridiculous that it reaffirms the negative stereotypes non-fans have as soon as they see it. So what do they do?

They take Shaq...and all the other celebrity hosts, and put them with Hornswoggle or Santino Marella or the Great Khali. That way, when they do manage to get some real-world exposure with this experinent, people will be sure to see how "zany" WWE is these days...and never watch again.

I mean, let's be straight here, folks. It's dumb. It's dumb because it's everywhere. Every single thing on these shows nowadays center around unrealistic b-level comedy to an extent. Sure, there are moments here and there of reality, but in the end, it's the whacky nonsense they like the most. That's why it's featured so prominently with the celebrity host.

It wastes a ton of time too. How much backstory does Hornswoggle-Chavo need? I get it. He lost to a little person. Having it happen four times doesn't sell it anymore than once or twice. All I know now is that Chavo sucks...and you have him in a feud with a non-wrestler.

The Brian Kendrick challenges Jerry Lawler...and then loses to Kofi Kingston in two seconds. All I know now is that Brian sucks...and you have him in a feud with a non-wrestler.

In fact, the guys who came out look best tonight were Chris Masters, Mark Henry, and Evan Bourne. Bourne was the star of the night. His upset win over Jack Swagger made him look tremendous. When you look at the Masterpiece's non-squash return and Herny's leader board roll, it made for a good night for these three guys. You could probably even count Cody Rhodes on that list, but...eh, not really.

That does it for me. Keep your eyes peeled. We have some good stuff on the way this week. Be Well! Thanks for sharing my Insanity!



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