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JG's 7/30/07 Raw Insanity: Carlito Spits In The Face Of Stars Of The Marine

By James Guttman Jul 30, 2018 - 7:10 AM print


Originally Published July 30, 2007 


U.S. Congress...Sometime In The Future...

Congressman Harry Waxman: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome. Please be seated. Today, the 110th Congress has summoned Mr. Vincent McMahon of World Wrestling Federtainment to join us for a hearing concerning WWE's drug testing policy. Before we get started…

Off to the side of the room, Michael Cole and JBL are seated at the Smackdown announce table.

Michael Cole: (screaming) WELCOME EVERYONE TO CONGRESS! I'm Michael Cole here at the announce table alongside my partner, the incomparable John Bradshaw Layfield! Partner, we have a hell of a hearing today!

JBL: (screaming louder) First of all, Mi-chael, I'm not your partner! Second of all, this is gonna be a hootenanny, a pier-six brawl, a clubberin' - hell, it's gonna be bigger than the Superbowl! This capacity crowd is on hand and we're ready to go!

Congressman Waxman: Uh…can I help you, gentlemen?

Cole: Uh oh, partner. It looks like Harry Waxman has turned his attention over to us. We may have fireworks early here tonight! Let's take a listen and hear what the Congressman has to say.

Cole and JBL immediately silence themselves and stare at Waxman. He stares back. This goes on for a full two minutes.

Congressman Waxman: OK. Whatever. Mr. McMahon, we have a number of issues to discuss with you today. At first, our only goal here was to determine whether or not you had knowledge of the drug use in your company. However, after reading through some reputable pages on the World Wide Net this morning, I have new concerns.  From the news I read, you are also accused of creating a homemade super-steroid in your basement, forcing a wrestler by the name of Marc Mero to get Botox, and created a Grunge band called Fragile X Syndrome which sold testosterone to Sean Astin. It's all in black and white online. How do you answer these charges?

Vince remains motionless. He sits silently and stares at the floor.

Cole: The chairman looks stoic, John.

JBL: You damn right he's stoic, Mi-chael! He's using that expression that was made famous by a guy named Killer Tim Brooks. He'll stare you down until your face falls off.

Congressman Waxman: Gentlemen, I'm not going to ask you….

Irish dancing music kicks in and WWE's resident midget Leprechaun Cruiserweight Champion Hornswoggle comes running in. He immediately begins kicking members of congress in the butt.

Cole: (screaming and jumping up and down) HORNSWOGGLE! IT'S HORNSWOGGLE, PARTNER!

JBL:  I'm not your partner, Mi-chael!  But who cares?  The evil little bastard is here! He's kicking everyone in their butts! This is just ridiculous, Mi-chael! He's all over the place! God, just look at him! All midgety and green! I'd like to throw him up in the air, spin around, catch him on my lap, and make his ears meet each other…the long way, if ya know what I mean! Damn, that little guy just makes me so friggin' horny!

The music suddenly stops.  Everyone, including Hornswoggle, turns and looks at JBL.

Cole: (shocked) What did you just say?

JBL: Uh…I just said all that out loud, didn't I?

Get in my belly!

Congressman Waxman: (growing angry) Look. I'm not going to allow this to go on. We have a hearing to run and this is highly inappropriate…

Congressman Tom Davis comes over and whispers something in Waxman's ear. He hands him a piece of paper.

Congressman Waxman: Excuse me, everyone. This was just handed to me. It seems that Mr. McMahon may have somewhat of a reprieve. This morning, we received an electronic mail from Senator Kennedy's office asking that we hold off on further questioning. It's highly unusual as none of us have spoken to Ted Kennedy since…

"MISTERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR….Kennedy!"

WWE Raw's Ken Kennedy enters through the doors as his music hits. He runs up to the table that Vince McMahon is seated at and puts one foot on it. A microphone lowers from the ceiling. It isn't a working mic, but one that was made with construction paper and an empty toilet paper roll. Brian Kendrick, who is seated in the rafters, lowers it on a string.

Mr. Kennedy: Ladies and gentlemen, this hearing is scheduled for this afternoon. I - hail - from Green… Bay, Wis-con-sin and weigh in at 242 pounds…. and as of this morning, I have changed my name to…. SENATO RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR KENNEDY!

Congressman Waxman: Sir, you just can't change your name to…

Ken puts up one finger to ask for silence.

Kennedy: (eyes closed, into the microphone)  Kennedy.

Senatorrrrrrrrrrrrr

Congressman Waxman: What is the meaning of all this?

Cole: Seems that Waxman wants some answers, partner.

JBL: Of course he does, Mi-chael.  When I was in the APA, we'd go out there and beat answers out of people.  That's something that was made famous by a fella by the name of Makan Singh.  Right out of his playbook.  Hell, Mi-chael, he'd get the ring in his big red pajamas and would as soon pin ya as look at ya.  Yee-haw!

Cole:  John, let's talk a bit about MVP.  This brash youngster is currently the reigning...

Congressman Waxman: (to Cole and JBL) Gentlemen, please.  What are you talking about? Please...Shut up. Now, to you, Mr. Kennedy, I reiterate the question. What is the meaning of all this?

Kennedy, confused, looks around. He looks to Vince, who stares blankly at the floor.

Kennedy: Uh…. (raising microphone to his mouth) Ladies and gentlemen, this hearing is scheduled for this afternoon. I hail from Green… Bay, Wis...

Congressman Waxman: That all you got?

Kennedy: Yeah, man. I'm done. To be honest, I didn't think past the intro.  I figured you'd have kicked me out by now.

Congressman Waxman: Well, that's just terrific. If there's no more interruptions, Mr. McMahon, it's time for you to answer my questions.

Vince McMahon stands up. It's the first movement he's made since the hearing began.

Vince McMahon: (quietly into the microphone) Thanks.

McMahon drops the mic. He then slowly walks backwards, away from the table, and continues to walk ever so slowly up the aisle and towards the doorway.

Congressman Waxman: Sir. You must return to your seat.

Vince continues walking and exits the door. He turns left, but is stopped by John Coachman, who points him in the opposite direction. Vince changes course and goes to the right, where he exits the building. Everyone rushes to the windows.

Congressman Waxman: Mr. McMahon, you must return!

Vince McMahon approaches his waiting limousine. Cautiously, he takes the handle of the back door and opens it. He then steps inside and pulls one leg in. After a brief pause, he pulls the other leg in and slams the door. Then…the limo explodes.

Boom

Cole: OH MY GOD, PARTNER!

JBL: He blew up! He blew up, again! Mi-chael, someone blew up our boss…again!

Cole: I guess they can't question him about drugs anymore, partner. Maybe Congress should look into who killed Mr. McMahon instead.

Cole and JBL smile slyly and look over at Waxman.

Congressman Waxman: (annoyed) That's not gonna happen. I saw him open the other door right before the thing exploded. (pointing) Look. Look down there. He's running down the block.

Cole: You damn right, beeotch! Run, Vince, run! Folks, for Harry Waxman, Senator Kennedy, and my partner JBL, this is Michael Cole saying so long from Congress!

JBL: I'm gonna go bang me a midget, Mi-chael! Yee-haw!


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Last Monday, Randy Orton was named as John Cena's Summerslam Challenger. Randy celebrated by demolishing his hotel room.

Welcome everyone to Arizona State University! Home of the Arizona State University…uh, Students! Tonight's getting started with a bang as the WWE Champ is here!  Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler give some quick hellos before we shift our attention to the ring. What up, John?

John Cena means business up in here. Standing in the middle of the ring with a a microphone in hand, he can see why Tucson is so hot tonight! They're excited about the biggest party of the summer! It's Summerslam and it's John Cena vs. Randy Orton. Now don't expect this to be a regular ol' Randy-Johnny match. Nah. The Legend Kicker has done his homework this time around. He's been reading the WWE textbook.  He started on the first chapter and followed what it said to do - make a statement. "The Punjabi Frankenstein" (Great Khali) did it when he gave John that monstrous chokeslam. Lashley did it when he gave John the big Spear. Now, Randy Orton has done it by giving John the "R.K….Oh my God, Cena's knocked out!" (JG Note: Duh. That was terrible) But hold up, Randall. Here's an idea. Stop going page by page and flip ahead to the final chapter. It'll tell you the same thing that the Marine has said all long. The Champ is….

…spit. No, he didn't say that. It was the sound of actual spit that rang out. That could only mean one thing. It's time for the fuzzy headed and chinned Carlito Cool to arrive. Carly struts on out and tells the Champion that he's in for a treat.  Yup, yup.  D.J. 5-Knuckle Shuffle, come on down!  You're the first guest on the new and improved "Carlito's Cabana!"

With that, an army of ring boys (and one ring girl) arrive with the Cabana set. Carl shouts at them in Spanish and seems to be intent on getting things going for his big scoop with the Champion. As the Patterson Patrol set up the ring, Carlito circles John with a smile on his face. Once the Extreme Ring Makeover is done, Cena takes a seat in a chair and listens to Carly's spiel.

"I gotta ask you an important question. What's it feel like to be a liar? You see, you don't win every single championship match you're in. Because I remember when Carlito debuted in WWE. I beat you, John Cena, for the United States Championship. Remember that?"
             - Carlito

Aw, snap. Cena, how do you respond?

"Dude. You did. Guys, he actually beat me in my own hometown. Oh and after that, after that, that's when you had your gang jump me in that nightclub after that. God, that was like three, four years ago. Man. Back then Britney Spears was still hot. Back then, Michael Jackson really wasn't that creepy. Back then, I think Abraham Lincoln may have wrestled a grizzly bear on the white house lawn. Man, back then, Lindsay Lohan was doing her first line. Of dialogue! It was Herbie Full Loaded . We all saw it!"
      - John Cena

(JG Note: She was in stuff before Herbie Full Loaded. I don't get what he meant…oh wait! Cocaine! She does Cocaine! Ah. I get it. The joke, I mean. Not Cocaine. Also, I'm older than three or four and I'm pretty sure that Abe Lincoln died before I was born. I think that Grizzly Bear story is bunk) Anyway, after Johnny Seinfeld completes his routine, he tells Carl to take a seat and have a drink. But the Cabana Host has no respect for Dr. Thuggy's standup. Forget the jokes!  How dare you give a match to Randy Orton! It's not fair! This title shot belongs to…

Senatorrrrrrrr Kennedy!

Hold up, kiddies. Ken Kennedy is in the house….house. He's not holding anything back either. Ken calls Cool "pathetic" and points to the way he ran from Lashley last week as proof. Ha. Punk. You may have apples, but you have no grapefruits. With that insult, Carlito grows defensive. That's when Kennedy steals his whole argument. You're not held back, Carly! Mr. Kennedy is! This follows with the two men engaging in a vaudeville-style exchange. They take turns repeating their own names before telling each other that they're "out of order." I was waiting for Carl to break into an Al Pacino impression, but he doesn't get the chance.

"Randy Orton! Randy Orton should be the number one contender because he deserves it! No. No. He's not my favorite person. I don't agree with his actions and I probably won't send you a Christmas card, Randy. But the fact is he earned his spot. I got news for you, Mr. Kennedy. You don't become a number one contender…by a microphone falling from a ceiling….and you don't become the number one contender by stuttering on your last name. You wanna rag on Carlito about running away from Bobby Lashley? Well, Mr. Kennedy Kennedy, why don't you step up tonight?…Why don't you challenge Bobby Lashley?…And, you, Carlito. You got my number? You beat me three years ago. What the hell have you done since then?"
                       - John Cena

Great speech by John here. I like this stuff ten times more than his Last Comic Standing Audition Tapes. Anyway, The Champ poses the question and when Carl answers, he screams back "It doesn't matter what your name is!" "You've done nothing!" With veins popping, the Spinning Title Guy tells the Appleboy to bring his A-Game. You're getting overlooked? No more! You've got Cena in the main event tonight. You best be ready, Sideshow Bob.

Later Tonight: King Booker vs. King Lawler

Retro Commercial Break. Burger King was looking for "mufflovers."

What's the matter, man? Cheer up! This job is awesome! We get to set up for the wrestler entrances.

I know. I know. It's just…they said I'd be Melina's carpet handler. I just thought that…well, I thought…well, never mind. Nothing. Nothing.

1. Beth Phoenix, Melina, and Jillian Hall defeated Maria, Mickie James, and Candice Michele when Melina pinned Maria

What has two thumbs and loves the lovely, lovely ladies? Santino Marella. That's what. Santa accompanies the Good Girls to the ring and remains in their corner. Jerry Lawler gleefully tells Jim Ross that this is his favorite match - six divas at once. I guess he doesn't consider seven divas at once or eight or nine or…you get the idea. That might be too many anyway. There was just enough time for all six of these women to get into the ring and do what they could do. There were some good moments, but overall Beth Phoenix is really out of place. They haven't done a good job of reintroducing her at all and I still think she's Jillian Hall half the time. Even if they don't have a gimmick for her, a video package here and there would be nice. Hell, Hunter gets two a show now. They can't make one for Beth?  Well, she might not get a video piece, but she got an assist here. After slamming Maria to the mat, Phoenix rolled from the ring and allowed Melina to the pinfall.

Triple H Video Package #1: The Game Returns at Summerslam! Hey. I thought the early teasers have been saying that "Jackass" would be the focus of Summerslam. Oh...wait. I get it. That's not nice. Calling Triple H a jackass. I hope those marketing people got fired.

Commercial Break. So, the only choice we have for acne is either Oxy or a mini-faith healer? That's not good.

Back from the break and we have some ish going down in the ring. The spirit of Chico Marx lives in Santino Marella. In a thick Italian accent, Marella goes buck on the NBA and it's crooked officials. In fact, screw the NBA! We have'a evil'a refs'a here in'a da WWE! As he goes on about the bias officiating that forced his Maria to lose, it seems that the Miracle of Milan may get violent with referee Jack Doan.  That when Santa gets interrupted by an unlikely hero, so to speak.

Umaga. Great idea. You ready? You ready? Mr. Thumbo! Hear us out. Hear us out. It's a little sock that fits on your thumb. Yeah! On your thumb! Come on. Good guys have merch to sell, baby.

Umaga is here. He's got the Intercontinental title with him as he walks the aisle. The ref  takes the microphone from the angry Italian, back away, and orders…the bell to be rung! That's right. We have a match and Santino is, how you say, screwed.

2. Umaga pinned Santino Marella after the Samoan Spike

The Samoan Bulldozer received most of the cheers in this one. Yup. And so it begins. Santino was actually beaten up so badly here that Maga was even able to lift him up from a two count. In the end, Bowser squashed Waluigi with Mr. Thumbo and earned the pinfall. Hope Maria likes losers.  Red Shoes Marinara over here certainly isn't earning any World Titles anytime soon.

Backstage, King Booker is in the Event Center with Sir Toddly of Grishamdorff, Todd Grisham. His Royal Bookerness informs us all that tonight will be his night. With Queen Sharmelle doting by his side and Jerry Lawler glaring from ringside, Book says that the "sham" that is "Jerome" shall never be called "King" again. What's more, he hopes the King of Kings is watching at home. Tonight shall be a statement from…KING BOOKAH!

AtariMania

Commercial Break. That Castrol GTX sludge can't just let that kid enjoy his burger and fries, huh? Can't just let it be? Let the kid enjoy his burger and fries, sludge.

John Coachman is on the phone with a dial tone. He's happy about tonight's main event but is stopped mid-conversation by a bruised and battered Cody Rhodes. Hey, yo. Son of a son. What up? Sorry about your dad's beatdown last week. Remember it? No? Let's go to the videotape.

Video Package of Dusty Rhodes getting kicked in the head by Randy Orton. Randy says that the blame rests on Cody for requesting the match. Therefore, he's responsible for his dad's brain injury. It's his second match and he got his father brain damaged. Good job, CodeDust.

Coachman tells Cody to look at his career. Come on, kid. You're a "good looking guy." Uh…ok. But now you have scars and bruises all over your supple young body. Coach has to help you out.  He has to protect you from you. So here's the deal, kid. You can't touch Randy Orton tonight. Not one finger. Got it? Good. Oh…and one more thing. This isn't Heat. If you don't win here, we fire ya. You're 0-2. That sucks, Little Rhodes. You have one last chance. One. It's tonight. If you win, you get a job. If you lose, you'll be available for a Radio Free Insanity interview in about 90 days. Rhodes stops for a moment and then thanks Jonathon for showing him the video of his dad's injury. I guess it fuels his fire or some dramatic Rocky Balboa crap like that.

Todd Grisham looks awkward and uncomfortable when he's suddenly joined by Randy Orton. Orton begins to talk to Grisham about his evening. Seems that the Legend Hurter has his gear, but not opponent. Before we can think about who can challenge him, Sgt. Slaughter shows up. The Sarge is angry and shouting. This lasts for about five seconds and Randy finally leaves after being called a "maggot." That's it. That's all that happens. Jim Ross then says that they have a match tonight.  Yeah.  From this weird scene that featured Slaughter shouting in Randall's face, J.R. figures out that they're going to be wrestling each other tonight. He's good. He has a gift.  Yes, he does.  Yes, he does.

Commercial Break. Get a razor with your breakfast! SCORE!

Back from the commercials, Jim Ross is correcting his mistake. He says that he spoke to John Coachman during the break and confirmed the match that he just predicted would be happening. This only furthers my theory that J.R. is one of the 4400.

3. Cody Rhodes pinned Daivari after a DDT

Before the match, Shawn Daivari went off in Farsi until Cody Rhodes showed up. You have to feel bad for Shawn. He came in with a spot that most young guys would kill for. He was the manager of one of wrestling's biggest hot button gimmicks. Then…it all fell apart. Since then, he's still as good of a performer as he was then, but he hasn't been used as anything other than fodder. There's a lot that they could do with him, though. Hopefully they'll see what he did here and reward him. This match was completely carried by Daivari, but ultimately got the crowd going much more than they would have otherwise. Certain spots were visible to someone who was really paying attention (Daivari flipping into a power slam and hopping to catch a cross body), but it was overshadowed by the reaction it got. In the end, Cody came out of this match looking really good. He has a bright future and there's lots of directions they can take with this whole "I caused my dad's head injury" thing. It'll be interesting to see which they choose. 

Commercial Break. Arby's is pretending that putting chicken nuggets in a cup makes them special.

4. Ken Kennedy pinned Bobby Lashley after kicking his shoulder

Lashley's new theme song reminds me of Greg Valentine's. I'm thinking it's the hammer sound effect. He's also breathing in the pyro smoke and exhaling it. Why not? It didn't cause any damage to Goldberg's brain, right? Right? Hey. Don't be a wise guy. This one went the way you'd expect for the most part. There were power move attempts by Bobby and tenacious reversals by Kennedy. It wasn't until things spilled to the outside that the match got interesting. Double K put the former ECW Champion against the ring steps, got a running a start, and kicked his shoulder. Bob bounced off the stairs and fell to the ground. Despite that, he still managed to return to the ring and regain the momentum. However, when he tried to superplex Ken from the top rope, Lash found himself outsmarted. Kennedy grabbed his arm and then dropped to the outside, pulling it across the top rope on the way down. Sensing his opponent's pain, Mr. K focused on the arm and shoulder. It served him well. Even when Bobbo found himself again in control, it was short lived. Lashley ran in for Edge's ---- Rhino's -----Goldberg's his patented Spear. Kenny saw it coming, raised his foot and punted Lashley's shoulder into next Tuesday. Three seconds later and we have the first major Monday Night Raw win for Mr. Kennedy.

Kennedy.

Retro Commercial Break .

Before the break, Bobby Lashley had his shoulder kicked off by Ken Kennedy. Jerry Lawler went over to check on him while we were at commercial. Hopefully, the King won't need anyone to check on him after his match with King Booker. You know about that match, right? Let's take a look at how it all came about.

Video Package Detailing Lawler-Booker Feud : I'm King. I'm King. Jerome. Royal feet. Peasant. Arse. Punch. Food throwing. Crown.

Triple H Video Package #2: Rebuilt and better than ever, Jackass returns at Summerslam.

5. Jerry Lawler defeated King Booker via disqualification

Jim Ross goes full blown historic on our butts here. He goes through some of Jerry Lawler's past achievements, mentioning his wins over Kerry Von Erich and Curt Hennig (JG Note: And…he was on ClubWWI.com  for a one hour shoot interview. Can't forget that one.) He admits that Booker has an equal history of success as well. By the time the bell rings, I found myself caring much more about this match than I did last week. They seemed to have built things up to the point that they seemed to matter and the past achievements of these two played into it all. It started off with the usual stalling you'd expect from a match like this. Book managed to avoid contact for a while, but was caught by a few punches here and there. When the crowd started to chant for Jerry, King T smirked and sunk his royal thumb into Lawler's eye. Cheating will only get you so far, though. The Memphis Majesty came back with some brawling tactics and overtook the advantage for a few more minutes before losing it once again. The most disappointing moment for Jerome came when he had King Bookah down for a three count, only to realize that his foot was on the bottom rope. He didn't have much time to lament over the missed opportunity. Booker went nuts and began to pound on the Hall of Famer. Unable to stop the Five Time WCW Champion's onslaught, the referee had no choice but to disqualify him.

The crowd didn't seem too happy and neither did the Bookeyman. He shouted into Jerry's face and did the typical thing all heels do when they get DQed. He expressed shock when the ring announcer said the result. Yeah. I guess he figured he might have won on points or something. Regardless, he raised his arms as if he was victorious and walked up the entranceway with Queen Sharmelle. All appeared to be over….

…but it wasn't! Oh no, hobo. Lawler raced up the aisle and punched away on Bookerman until the referees reinforcement team arrived and carried him away. Let me at'em! Let me at'em! I'll murderize'em, I tell ya!

Commercial Break. Tomorrow night on ECW: Big Daddy V is big. Tune in.

6. Cryme Tyme defeated John Mason and Bradon Gatson when JTG pinned Mason

What the hell? I mean…seriously. What the hell? They couldn't even gimmick up some jobbers? I don't know. In 2007, you can't just chuck two unknown guys in there with a team that has been exclusive to the online-only show. It just seems pointless. I mean, there aren't any guys below Cryme Tyme on the totem pole who fans are somewhat familiar with? The only way to get them a win on Raw is to put them in there for a full fledged WWF Challenge squash job? I guess. Bad sign, guys. Either way, it didn't hurt them. In fact, the crowd seemed to be into it. Not sure why. Maybe they were just excited to see two guys that don't wrestle on Raw usually. Who knows? Who cares? They won. Go Brooklyn. Go Brooklyn.

After the bell, JTG and Shad decide to help us kill some more TV time that TNA would give anything for. They steal the losing jobber's boots and try to auction them off at ringside. They start at $10,000. When that doesn't go, they drop to five. Then they fall to 1,000. Finally, they decide to sweeten the deal.

Cryme Tyme autographs the boots. Now, how much do you think they went for?

$40.

Yup. They sold them for $40 after the autograph. So. For those of you keeping score:

Sweaty Jobber Wrestling Boots: $1,000

Sweaty Jobber Wrestling Boots Signed by Cryme Tyme on TV: $40

Not doing that stupid "Priceless" punch line that everyone does when listing various prices: Priceless

Retro Commercial Break .

7. Randy Orton pinned Sgt. Slaughter after the RKO

Sgt. Slaughter really reminds me of the time to make the donuts guy . I mean, I guess he's still tall and stuff. But other than that, he shouldn't be doing the same thing he was doing 30 years ago. At this age, he sort of looks like he's wearing pajamas when he has his wrestling gear on. It's just strange. That's not to say he's still not capable of being an asset on air. I just don't know if this is it. I especially don't know if he can get away with his wrestling outfit anymore. I mean, wear camouflaged pants or something. Even Bob Backlund is wearing baggier shorts. Whatever. That's all aesthetics. The important thing here is that Randy Orton got to use his magic foot once again. First, though, he hit a sick RKO and got a pinfall. That was part one.

Part two included Orton's uncanny knack of knowing exactly where to kick Hall of Famers in the head so as to do the most damage. Like Dusty Rhodes last week, Slaughter fell to the Legend Kicker. Randall got a running start and slammed his boot into Sarge's head. Forget making the donuts, this guy's gonna have a problem just making it out of the ring. Luckily, officials force Dandy Randy to leave the scene while the former Iraqi-sympathizer is stretchered from the squared circle. Now all you maggots better send Sgt. Slaughter some get well candy and flowers! AND THAT'S AN ORDER!

Commercial Break. Cigarette companies market to kids.  Truth.com thinks this is some big revelation.  When I was five, I used to smoke gum cigarettes from the ice cream man.  If you puffed on them, a puff of smoke from the powdered sugar would fly out.  Kids ran all over the playground smoking gum cigarettes.  I'd say that the Truth.com people are about 25 years behind on this battle. I spit in the face of people who don't want to be cool.

Is that why they fired you from the front desk at the steam room?

Yeah. That was a bad scene.

8. Carlito pinned John Cena after the Backstabber

John Cena gives Carlito noogies early on in this match. Jim Ross opens up to us all and admits that he hated getting noogies at school growing up. (JG Note: I bet Michael Cole hates getting them at work now.) With Randy Orton watching from ringside, unpunished for his Slaughter-Kicking, John seems to have a lot of factors stacked against him. You'd think that would worry the Champ, but it doesn't. He seems to be two steps ahead of Cool at each moment and hits backdrops and slams with apathetic ease. During all this, Randy rocks back and forth from his ringside seat. Understandably, both Hall of Fame announcers are concerned for Orton's mental state as well as their own safety. The RKO Kid has bigger fish to fry, though. He bides his time while the Marine wrestles his little match and doesn't get involved until things look done. When the Doctor of Thuganomics showed signs of winning, Randy jumped to attention. He distracted the Champion and left him with his back to his opponent. Carlito capitalized and hit his finisher, the Backstabber. One. Two - wait for it - Three.

Carlito wins the match but not the title. I feel like every other match nowadays is non-title. Poor Carly must have been as disappointed as I was. Know how I know? He left the ring and took a bite of his apple.

Then he spit it in the face of John Cena.

Oh no he di'in't. Ah ha, he did.

Big upset and tons of applesauce -the perfect ending to a Monday Night. The WWE Champion wipes the Carlito-spit from his face while we fade to black.

All in all…Not bad. Better than last week, I suppose.

It all depends on what you were looking for. Tonight's show seemed to be a step in a new direction. You had Ken Kennedy's big win over "Golden Boy" Bobby Lashley. After losses to Jeff Hardy and Super Crazy, Ken needed a big time victory to keep his credibility on Raw. This was it. It also takes Lashley out of the picture briefly and shifts everyone's focus from his match with Bash PPV match with Cena. With that whole thing finished, they need to give him some bumper time before moving him on to something new.

Carlito's situation seems to be long overdue. I feel like they stopped his progress when he jumped from Raw. Suddenly, he was a babyface and had nothing to offer. After years of wasted storylines with Torrie Wilson, Ric Flair, and Chris Masters, Cool can finally pick up where he left off. He has a big upside and the best of Carly has yet to be seen.

Randy Orton's reign of terror is what it is. Overall, Orton has always been a solid heel who can convince you that he's crazy. That's all you really need. Couple that with his ability to have respectable matches and you have a guy who should main event pay-per-views now and then. I think a turn as heel World Champion would serve him well too. It would be the chance to have the title run he should have had in 2004 and not have to go into it with the weight of being a role model on his shoulders.

Also, it'll make more sense for The King of Jackasses to take the strap from him and then defend against Cena at Mania. But, I'm just thinking out loud.

I know I pick on Hunter and I think it's funny as hell that Summerslam was supposed to be centered around "Jackass" at first, but now that the deal didn't work, it's become centered on "Triple H." It's just irony. I laugh. That being said, he'll be good to have back on the show. If used right, Trips can do a lot to help Raw. Then again, he's not used right too often. I mean, we already get two video packages for him every Monday. I'm getting burnt out on him already.

Santino is bad. Umaga is good. Jobbers have expensive boots. Those are the lessons of the night. Hopefully you enjoyed learning them. If not, cheer up. Tomorrow night's ECW and that's only an hour. If it can only bore you for half the time.

That does it for me. Be sure to check out Dory Funk Jr. on this week's Radio Free Insanity . I'll be back at ClubWWI.com  in the next few days with a new uncut interview and plenty of more fun stuff. Be sure to check back!

Be well. Thanks for sharing my Insanity!



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