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JG's 7/21/08 Raw Insanity: John Cena Accidentally Punches Batista On Purpose
TGIF: A New Day For Hulk, MLW's Major League Potential, and More
The ROHbot Report: Nashville Return, Top Contenders 6-Man Gauntlet, And More
(32 Mins) Honor Nation: Forgiving Hogan


JG's 7/4/05 Raw Insanity: Chavo Guerrero becomes White

By James Guttman Jul 4, 2018 - 6:10 AM print


Originally Published July 4, 2005


WWE Shop!

Welcome back, everyone. World Wrestling Entertainment is proud to unveil its super awesome summer catalog. Remember, the art of professional wrestling is beautiful so that means, uh, you have to give us your money - or something like that. I don't know. We had a great slogan written up during the marketing meetings, but we forgot what it was. Doesn't matter, though. Just give us your money already. What else are you gonna spend it on? Food? Don't be such a bitch.


New  "Ric Flair Grabbed My Balls" T-Shirt

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Do you have an older male friend in your life that always seems to be ready to grab another man's testicles? If you do, then you have to get this shirt. Made from space age polymers that the astronauts used to breathe *, these shirts proudly proclaim that the Dirtiest Player in the Game, wrestling legend Ric Flair, grabbed your balls. Note the comical picture of baseballs. We don't mean baseballs, though. We mean balls balls. Ha ha! Balls! Now that's funny.

Price: $49.99

* - This statement is for entertainment purposes only. It's just cotton. Buy it anyway.


New  Austin "Sand People" Shirt

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Remember 1998? Neither do we. It's 2005 and things have changed around here. We know it's in bad taste, but we figured you bought shirts that said "What," so why not this one? You people will buy anything. Send a check and don't ask questions.

Price: $89.99 (during times that Mr. Austin is on bad terms with WWE, the shirt will be priced at $6.00)


New  Kurt Angle "Bestiality is Fun" Shirt

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Why did the puppy cross the road? He was trying to get away from a horny Kurt Angle! That's right, following a stunning revelation on WWE's B Show, Smackdown, Angle became the flag bearer for bestiality fans everywhere. Available in many sizes and colors, this t-shirt is the perfect gift for the horse f**ker in your life!

Price: $34.99


Hulkamania "Stop Cheering" Shirt

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This is the nineteenth time that we've made this shirt available to the public. Please, people. Stop cheering already. This isn't a witty slogan. This is a plea. We've been trying to bury this guy since the first King of the Ring tournament. What's it going to take? Stop friggin' cheering already. If you do, we'll give RVD a title. Honest! Well, maybe not honest. We'll try, though. Please don't make us shoot him. If you want nostalgia, go play Ms. Pac Man. Just let us kill off Hulkamania already. He's such a pain in the ass.

Price: Free


New  Lita Condoms

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You don't have to buy this. We're just trying to get this woman to quit already. We've tried everything. We gave her the line "I'm proud to say I'm the slut of the century" and she actually said it! We were all like, "No way. She's gonna quit." But no. She's still here. What's it gonna take? Next, we're gonna try Viscera. After that, we sick Kane on her again.

Price: We don't know. How much are you willing to spend on this?


New  WWE's Worst Stars of the 1980s DVD

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Now you can finally catch all the worst stars and gimmicks of the '80s in one DVD set! Featured here are Outback Jack, the Red Rooster, Brock Lesnar, Bruno Sammartino, Bret Hart, Chyna, and tons more.

Oh, hold up. We know what you're saying. You're wondering how we can include people like Brock and Bruno on this set if they weren't 80s wrestlers. Well, one day when you buy a video library, you can do whatever the hell you want with it. Until then, you got no choice. Now stop asking goddamn questions and buy the friggin' DVD already. Seriously, these DVDs are the only thing we're making money on anymore. Don't take that away from us.

Special Features include:

See How Vince McMahon's yellow suits were made in a 90 minute documentary!

Watch all the people who joined Mr. McMahon's Kiss My Ass Club cry in their hotel rooms after the cameras stopped rolling!

Over 2 hours of the Bushwackers licking Alfred Hayes!

Plus much, much...OK, a little bit more....

Price: $119.99


Viscera Section

New  Viscera "Butt Humping" Teddy Bear

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Thanks to the newest technology from the people who brought you Teddy Ruxpin in the early 80s, it's Viscera's "Butt Humping Teddy Bear." Activated by your voice, Vis can thrust his big bear pelvis into any of your other toys. He'll bump and grind on Barbie, Pikachu, GI Joe, or your mom. You decide! Just let Big Teddy Vis go loose and watch him thrust away like a trooper. Comes with toy hotdog to eat or...whatever your sicko mind can come up with. You should hear the things our writing staff did with it.

Price: $79.95

New  Viscera Birthday Invitations

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Tired of kids no-showing your parties like Jeff Hardy on a bender? Sick of eating all the cake yourself until you puke on your pants? Well, worry no more. With these invites, no one will dare stand you up on your special day. Show 'em who's boss and get some party guests - stat!

Price: $80/dozen


ECW Section

Did you guys see that pay-per-view we did? It wasn't as good as like Vengeance or anything, but it was aight. You know, not bad. Anyway, feel free to browse our ECW merchandise - located conveniently at the bottom of the list behind Viscera, Ric Flair's perversions, and Lita Condoms.

New  ECW Scratch Logo Shirt

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You want this shirt. It says ECW on it. Just buy the goddamn thing. The back says it all. It's just like WWE, only not as good! First 100 buyers will get a punch in the face from JBL!

Price: $3 (IOUs not accepted)


New  EC "Mc" W Shirt

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Again, read the shirt. You people can read, right? You use that internet thing. So, of course you can read. In that case, read the shirt and cry a little. Then send money.

Price: $3 (IOUs not accepted)

Coming soon for purchase:

Matt Hardy Hats

More ECW DVDs! So many, it'll knock you on your ass! Billions, baby! Billions!

Chris Masters


Happy July 4th, everyone. It's important to remember the real reason we're all celebrating today. It's the start of my birthday month. I'm touched by the thought. If you're not from the US, you don't celebrate the fourth of July. Most people have off here in the states. In fact, almost all of the prime time shows aren't airing new episodes tonight. I say "almost" because Raw is still on. Splendid, huh? So I'm hard at work typing up funny names for Triple H's face hair while other people party hardy. Sad, huh? It's not sad when you consider that I have people like Kane and Viscera on Spike TV to celebrate the 4th with. No. It's not "sad." It's downright depressing. Cheer up, though. It's all good. Have a sparkler. Eat a hamburger. Watch Ric Flair do something icky. It's a holiday, but it's still Monday. That means it's Raw! No, not your food - the show. Relax. You're so jumpy...

Video montage hypes that Hulk Hogan is a guest on Carlito's Cabana...now.

Raw Theme Plays. You'd think that Hulk Hogan could have swung a theme song singing spot for Brooke now that WWE is in love with him again, right? What's up, Hulkster? The politician I remember would have had the Women's Title on her by now.

Strap on your backpacks, buttheads. We have some crazy ish to dish out tonight. First Sgt Slaughter invites everyone to come aboard the GI Ho Train. It's the Diva Contestants in a Bikini Boot Camp thing. Also John Cena is a special guest on the Highlight Reel. Good God! There's still a Highlight Reel? This is just what Raw needed! More talking! Yee-haw! The King, the Okie, and the Third Wheel are thrilled to be here for such a great show. Now let's go to the guy with the mysteriously shrinking name.

Carlito Caribbean Cool is here and his video reflects his new name. He's simply referred to by "Carlito" and it's not a smart move. Wouldn't want a Triple C, I guess. I hate taking away from the names of performers. I hated when they did it to "Mr. Perfect" Curt Hennig. I hated when they cut Rick Martel's name and made him simply "the Model." I'm not talking about the act of changing the wrestlers' names. I mean actually cutting out parts of their names. It's a mistake. It makes the character seem more generic. Anywho, Coolio is excited about tonight's famous guest. It's Hulk Hogan! He's going to be on "Jay Lenos" and shows like that. What did he choose as stop #1 for his media whore tour? The Cabana! Now watch this clip, everyone!

Clip from destined-to-be-cancelled VH1 show "Hogan Knows Best." Video shows Hulk Hogan talking to a 22 year old man that wants to date his 16 year old daughter. The fact that this got to the talking stage is proof that Hogan's not overprotective. Most dads would have shot this guy as soon as he pulled into the driveway.

Oh man. Bring this guy out here.

Mr. Hogan. You're up. By the way, you mind if I date your daughter?

How old are you, brother?

53.

Are the VH1 cameras here?

No.

Have her back by Saturday.

 

 

 

Hulk Hogan is here and I'm still shaking my head over that clip. He told the guy that it was "like almost" an adult taking out a kid. Hey, Mr. Protective. It is an adult taking out a kid. Whatever. That wouldn't be a fun TV show, I guess. From there, it's Carlito's turn to be silly. He calls the Hulkster the biggest name in wrestling, maybe even the biggest name "in the world." He really said that. With that statement, Hulk's head expanded so much that it knocked me over in my living room. Cool follows up with this question:

"If you really wanted to promote your new reality show, why didn't you bring your daughter Brooke?"

- Carlito, 9:10pm

Hulk the Overprotective Pimp takes offense and reacts angrily. No idea why. Triple C had a valid point. What up with that, glory hog? Where's the little Brookster? Before long, the Intercontinental Champ tells the Immoral One of his true intentions. He says that while he's "cool," Brooke is "hot." He asks if he can take her out on a date and make her sexually active. Wow. She's 16. Her dad agreed to this. I wish more parents were as overprotective as Hulk. We'd have a country full of strippers. A mini fight breaks out and the threat of statutory rape is like music to someone's ears backstage. When you think of perversion, who do you think of? No, not him. The other one. No, not him either. The other one. No! Not that one! It's Kurt Angle! Goddamnit!

Kurt Angle's here and he can give two hoots about this rubbish. He made Shawn Michaels tap out at WrestleMania. He made Ric Flair tap out last week! Hell, Kurtis is a tapping machine! Yet, these crappy ticket grubbers still cheer you on, Hulk! Well fudge you, pallie. Angle done made you tap once already. He'll do that junk again, he will. So bring it on. But wait. After entering the ring, KA makes his feelings known. Your Olympic Tapmeister would love to make someone tap even more than you, Hollywood. He'd love to make your daughter, Brooke, tap.

Oh snap.

Grandpappy Hogan opens up on the Gold Medallist and we get a Pier Six Brawl. From behind, Carlito chimes in with some kicks and a DDT. A double team ensues until the Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels makes the save. It's mass chaos on the Cabana! You don't insult a father, folks. You don't sully the good name of his 16 year old daughter. You know - the half naked one that dates adults. Yeah. You watch your goddamn mouth, Kurt Angle! You hear?!

Commercial Break. In the Spike TV ad for James Bond, does the guy sing, "You get the Clap?" If he did, I'm definitely not tuning in.

Before the break, Kurt Angle admitted to wanting sex with Hulk Hogan's 16 year old daughter. It's the most normal sexual statement that Kurt has made in months.

Backstage, Todd Grisham is being a dirty little eavesdropper. Shawn Michaels is in Eric Bischoff's office and he's whining for a match with Carlito and company. What will come about from all of this? We'll find out later! (JG Note: Why isn't there a camera in there? There was one in Lita's dressing room when Kane choked her last week. What gives?)

Edge comes to the ring and WWE replays that Lita-Kane segment I just mentioned. He's joined by Gene Snitsky. Mr. Money in the Bank and his buddy have a "big" task ahead of them. Oh ho ho! It's a "giant" problem. Ah ha ha ha! You get it!

(1) Kane & Big Show defeated Gene Snitsky & Edge when Kane pinned Snitsky Glad to see Show already being used in a supporting role. He's been here a week! Man oh man. Jerry Lawler makes mention to the Raw that Kane set Jim Ross on fire by saying that Jim learned about Kane "two years ago this month." Rossy kind of glosses over it. Yes, Jim. This is the anniversary of you getting set on fire. I got you a card. Ross follows up by saying that Kane is the "Big Red Machine" and not "the Big Red, White, and Blue Machine." I kid you not. Wow. I won't be able to get that image out of my head. Nothing great to report here. Everyone was misused and, on a show that seems to have other priorities, these four see how they fall on the importance chart. The Red, White, and Blue Machine is left alone in the ring with Snitsky. He hits him with a patriotic choke slam and scores himself a little ol' win.

Todd Grisham has Shawn Michaels in the backstage area. Apparently, Eric Bischoff has made it official. Tonight it will be Shawn and Hulk Hogan meeting Carlito and Kurt Angle. It's da Baldies against the Caribbean Dog Pumpers! Stay tuned!

Commercial Break. Castrol GTX - Drive Hard. This is opposed to driving soft. I would imagine that "driving soft" would mean driving safe. Yeah. Wouldn't want to endorse safe driving. Castrol GTX - Crash into a Tree.

Lillian Garcia introduces the Heartthrobs. Kid Flamboyant and Commander Fruitcake arrive in the ring and tell her how sorry they are for her public dissing by Viscera. As a favor to the woman with bad taste in men, Team Midcard promises to make Mabel squeal like a pig. Suey! Lil then sobs her way through Vis's intro and it's go time. Let the squealing' begin.

(2) Viscera defeated the Heartthrobs via disqualification I didn't know where they were going with this Viscera angle before this match. Now I really don't know where they're going with it. Apparently the Heartthrobs proved something to Lillian by losing to her ex-boyfriend. I don't know what. Let's just hope this all isn't leading to the return of Men on a Mission 2005. Squeeeeaaaallll! Squuuueeeaaaaalllll! Next.

Commercial Break. Why doesn't WWE ever advertise their wrestling figures during Raw? I feel like they're constantly coming out with new toys, but I haven't seen a commercial for them since like 1998. It was that stupid one with the Headbangers slamming the Jakks doll into a locker. Been a while, guys. Sell us some damn toys already.

Maria's stupid and she's standing by backstage with late breaking Smackdown-Raw trade details. It's such a big deal that she doesn't even talk about it. She simply tells us to go to WWE.com and read about the trade. Have fun with that, people. In the meantime, let's bring out one of those trade people. Let's bring in Chavo Guerrero. Chavo, come on in with your bald head. He brings his head in and it is, indeed, bald. Not only that, but he's got a sweater tied around his neck like Robert Stack in Caddyshack 2. Why is he dressed like this? Well - get this - Chavo isn't Hispanic anymore. In fact, he blames his shortcomings on his heritage. So, from now on - he's white. In fact, his name is now Kerwin White. How's that? Kerwin. (JG Note: It could be Curwin. It could be Gerwin. It could be Kurwin. I have no idea. I'm guessing from hearing it.) There was some debate over whether or not Mexicans should be offended by the Mexicools on Smackdown. Guess what? No debate on this one. The "That's F**ked Up" Meter is going off. It has Kervito's face all over it. Changing your ethnicity? Just what the wrestling world needed. Another PY Chu Hi. In the end, Kerwin asks Maria what her ethnicity is. Before she could answer, he stopped her and said her race was "stupid. Just like you - stupid." She's stupid, Chavo? You're the one that agreed to this gimmick.

Hurricane, Rosey, and Stacy give us safety tips on using sparklers. It ends with Rosey setting himself on fire. I guess WWE just wanted to make sure they undid any good that this segment could possibly do. Lame.

Maria's still stupid and this time she's standing by with John Cena. He asks her why she's upset and she explains that her feelings were hurt when Kerwin R. White called her "stupid." (JG Note: She remembered that? That happened like five minutes ago. I would have thought she'd have forgotten by now because she's...well, stupid.) The WWE Champ makes her feel better by complimenting her appearance. His advice to her rings true for all of us. "Show your strengths. Hide your weakness." Then he leaves. Thank you wise, Thug Doctor. Listen to him, Maria. That's good advice. Look how far John's gone with his character...and he can hardly wrestle! Show your strengths. Hide your weakness. Oh, and don't mention "poopie." Never ever mention "poopie."

Commercial Break. I saw "War of the Worlds" this weekend. If I run into Tom Cruise on the street, I owe him an ass kicking.

Chris Jericho is here and he has some fake rivalry going down with Carlito's Cabana. He saw Carl's show earlier tonight with Hulk Hogan, a mainstream media star. In order to compete, Y2J+5 found himself an awesome guest. It's someone who has something in common with him. It's someone with a music career. It's a world class athlete. (JG Note: Koko B. Ware?) It's John Cena! Let's bring him out! You see him? Don't lie. You know you can't.

The Big JC hath arrived and he has his spinning title in hand. Face to face with Fozzy, Cena starts us onto cheesy time. It's over scripted stupidity from these two back and forth. I'll save you some time by speeding through this mundane spiel.

Jericho runs down all his accomplishments. He says that he has multiple wrestling and musical accomplishments. Roll that Fozzy clip, production truck.

Clip of Fozzy Everytime Chris Jericho sings, the world dies a little bit.

Content with his tape, Jericho turns to Johnny Cena. The Doctor of Thuganomics congratulates Jericho on his success and tries to leave peacefully and without incident. CJ won't let him, though. It really makes the WWE Champion seems like a punk. After being stopped, he tries to leave again without having a fight. Again, he looks like a sissy mary lala. He's halted once again and reminded that he's in the ring with a legend. Chris says that his star is brighter than Dr. Thuggy's. The only thing that makes the C-Man a big name it the WWE title. It's the WWE title that Jericho will one day take away. The dense Doc tells Lionheart that this whole thing was all about the WWE title after all. He then tells his Canadian host that he knows something deep down inside. Ol' Chris Jericho is "nothin without the WWE Title." (JG Note: Swift, John. We've known that for four years.) He calls Chris an asshole. After that, Cena tells Jericho to wake up, citing that the "people ain't stupid, man." Surprisingly, the crowd cheers. Didn't see that coming, huh? Calling the crowd smart = cheers. Ah. Got it. He then says some stupid catchphrases and screams like a tool. The buzzword that John Cena used?

"Cheap"

Jericho is Cheap.

Y2Cheap

The crowd actually boos this stupidity. I'm surprised he didn't call him a "scrub." How about calling him "corroded" or "a skeezer?" Nice, Champ. I wish they'd stop writing these lines for you....and I wish you'd stop saying them. From there, we get a fight cause "cheap" is fightin' talk. They brawl and the Highlight Reel Host goes scrambling from the ring. The ending was booked backwards and took Jerry Lawler, of all people, to save it. Y2J is being restrained by officials and lead away while Cena smiles from the ring. What's wrong with that picture? Lawler says that Chris could break away from the refs at any moment. Thanks, Jerry. If he couldn't, it would make the WWE Champion look like a wuss, right? This whole segment killed a lot of John's forward momentum from recent weeks. I'm thinking that his Raw stint might not be as smooth as some people had been hoping. Speaking of thinking, turn off your brain. The Bikini Bootcamp is on it's way.

Commercial Break. New Movie - The Devil's Rejects. I don't like hockey movies.

John Coachman and Christy Hemme are here to pick Christy's eventual replacement. It's time for the Raw Diva Search! Yay! He mocks Hemme for having to tickle Kamala last year. We all laugh over the waste of time that that segment was and introduce Sgt. Slaughter. That's right. Stay tuned, folks. It's Sgt. Slaughter starring in "The Lowpoint of His Career." Rated Duh.

Sarge arrives and he looks like he has a girdle on. He salutes people and we intro the Diva girls. They come out and do little cheer things. The most notable entry was Summer. She came out, kicked her leg in the air, and fell on her ass. I'm not kidding. That's a bad sign, huh?

Slaughter calls the women to stand at attention and asks if anyone wants to "blow my whistle." Oh man. Coachman stops him and reclaims MC duties for himself and Christy. We then learn that this event will actually have a prize! It's for immunity. The winner of tonight's contest can not be voted off this week. Wait a minute. If there's immunity, there must be...a real contest!

Here's the thing. The girls do 10 jumping jacks, jump a hurdle, crawl under a cargo net stretched across the bottom ring rope, hop in a potato sack for 10 feet, do 10 jumps on a jump rope, do another hurdle, and cross the finish line. That's the drill. It's like Ghetto Survivor.

John Coachman demonstrates. He did it in :48. I suddenly realize that this event was created because it's an easy way to kill almost 12 minutes without anyone noticing. Let's get to the hooches. On your mark, get set, Hooch!

Ashley - :48

Leyla - Disqualified because her nipples popped out. Seriously - her nipples popped out. It happened after she flopped over the first wall and landed on her face.

Summer - :41

Crystal - :37

Elizabeth - :35

Simona - :49 - People Boo.

Cameron - :46 - Her legs are too damn long for this type of thing. She nearly rips her head off under the cargo net. When it's time for the potato sack part, she messes it up. People really boo.

Alexis - :54 - Slams her thighs into the ring apron when sliding into the ring. She doesn't tear her quads like Vince did, though. She, too, is booed.

I guess we have a winner! Hooray for ol' whatshername! I can't believe how much time that just ate up. I feel like I'm reviewing a low-rent reality show now. In a way, I miss Katie Vick. At least that was a wrestling angle. This is just crap for the sake of crap.

Earlier tonight, Kurt Angle insulted Hulk Hogan. WWE tries to replay it, but there's no audio. Jim Ross fills in the gaps, though. God bless him. Still to come, Bald #1 and Bald #2 meet Bald #3 and Carlito.

Commercial Break. Fantastic Four - the Video Game. I wish they'd come out with "Connect Four - the Video Game." Now that was fun. Either come out with that one or Hungry Hungry Hippos. That would be awesome.

We're back and this Raw Diva thing won't die. Coachman and Christy congratulate Elizabeth and present her with immunity. Here you go. It's a big bucket of immunity, Elizabeth. Good luck. You might want to change your name, though. We'll tell you why it later. You know, if I wasn't reviewing this, I'd have switched the channel by now. "Oh, but James, that woman's boob fell out!" Splendid. I have cable and internet access. Anyone who surfs the internet knows that boobs aren't a big deal. Why? We get them sent to us in spam, pop-ups, and tons of other accidental ways. If you're one of the guys that watches Raw for the nipple slips, do yourself a favor. Ready? OK:

1) Go to Yahoo.com

2) Search Images.

3) Type in "Breasts."

4) Have fun, Sticky Pete.

Now please stop watching the segments. You're jacking the rating up and forcing the rest of us to suffer.

Before the next match, Rene Dupree, who is going to challenge Triple H for the "Ridiculous Face Fur Award," talks a lot. No one cares, though. Why? Well, for starters, he's Rene Dupree...

(3) Rene Dupree pinned Val Venis with his feet on the ropes Rene Dupree has failed miserably on Smackdown and now he's back on Raw! Yeah! After heading to the SD brand in grand style last year as #1 Draft Pick, Renny achieved bubkis on Thursday night and returned to Monday as an last minute afterthought trade. Great. Dupe scores a pinfall on the Big Valbowski while using the ropes for leverage. It's treated as somewhat of an upset. You know, with Dupree back on Raw, there's only really one question. Without Bob Holly here, who's gonna kick his ass?

Commercial Break. The Ultimate Fighting Show points out that wrestling isn't real. That's the selling point. WWE should really do something about that. The last thing you want is someone saying your show is fake during your own commercial break. Could you imagine how crushed people would be if they learned that Viscera humping men and Snitsky killing babies was all pretend?

Todd Grisham is still backstage and this time he's joined by Carlito (BLANK) and Kurt Angle. You know the drill. It's not cool. Blah, blah. Angle makes reference to the fact that today's July 4th. How's he gonna par-tay? He's gonna snap him an ankle, yup yup. Will it belong to Shawn Michaels or his Hulkship? Sideshow Bob takes a bite of his apple and Grish flinches. No dice on the spit, though. Carlito can't afford to spit out that apple. He needs that nutrition for his match. After all, it's next!

Commercial Break. Pick up the The Road Warriors DVD. They should throw in a Rocco Ventriloquist Dummy with it.

Q) What's red and yellow and brown all over?

A) Hulk Hogan.

(4) Hulk Hogan & Shawn Michaels defeated Carlito & Kurt Angle when Hogan pinned Carlito One more match!? See what "One More Match" leads to?! Stop asking for one more match! He doesn't come back just once. Hogan's like herpes. He's here forever, folks. I'm gonna be 90 and Hulk will be on Raw in all his leather glory, pinning Carlito's grandson. Ha ha ha. No, I'm not kidding. Bank on it! It was HBK taking the brunt of the beating for most of this one. Angle and Cool took turns pounding Shawn into oblivion, while Hogan tried to inform the ref. After 20 years, Hulk still can't understand that running into the ring to show the ref his cheating opponents will only lead to the referee turning his back to the illegal act. Stop informing the ref, Hollywood. You're killing your tag partners. Eventually, the Heartbreak Kid tagged in the Icon and he opened up a can of Red and Yellow Ass on the Cabana Man. Kurt tries to make the save, but is tossed to the outside. He drops the leg while the crowd cheers loudly. A slow leg later and Afroman is another notch on Mr. Nanny's belt.

Following the bell, Shawn Michaels pegs his Yellow and Red friend with a super kick. Friend no more, I suppose. With the Hulkster laying on the ground, Coachman exclaims that he's been knocked out. HBK stops and stares at his fallen partner before leaving the scene. Leatherpants leaves leatherskin laying in the ring and we fade to black.

All in all... You can't blame Triple H for this one, folks. He wasn't on the show. Sure, there will be people who say that this show was purposely booked to be boring to prove that Raw can't exist with the Gamy One. That may be true, but Raw proved it could be tedious and ridiculous even without Hunter's actual on-air presence.

Tonight's episode was a one trick pony. There was one thing that could be remembered from the night. That thing was Shawn Michaels doing his pseudo-heel turn on Hulk Hogan. Then again, I don't see this being a genuine turn. If anything, it's going to be a maybe/maybe not tweener thing that leads to Shawn Michaels facing the Hulkster at Summerslam or something. With HBK dead set against a bad guy run, I doubt that this was the start of something real. If it is, it'll do wonders for Shawn's career. Sadly, I doubt it is though.

I get that the Raw Diva Search draws ratings. I get that it's high points without giving away wrestling. I get that too. The only thing that people have to remember is that it's attracting fans to wrestling that don't like wrestling whatsoever. At least the casual fans that tuned into Raw in the late '90s did so for the wrestlers and their personas. Now they're tuning in for women that don't even work there yet. Think about it like this. Would you watch Raw if the cool guy in school watched it? Sure. Would you watch it if the creepy perverted kid in school with the sticky hands watched it? Me neither. Now go wash your hands.

I don't want to pass judgment on Hulk Hogan personally, but Holy Cow, man. Your kid is 16. You want to have wrestlers talking about her like a sex doll on cable TV? How much more money do you need? Many parents out there wouldn't participate in this angle if they were flat broke and needed money to eat. You live in a mansion and willingly take part in this stuff. Nice. No wonder all your partners beat you up.

This show was just horrible all around. There was very little wrestling and the wrestler that were used were misused. Snitsky-Kane? Is it last October already? Big Show, drafted last week, is already being used in a throwaway capacity. The other pick, RVD, wasn't even mentioned. Edge was in that opening tag debacle too. Then you had the Heartthrobs and Viscera for some reason. Rene Dupree had no point and he made that clear in a tainted victory over a low carder. Some show. It felt like they crapped it up on purpose.

Happy 4th of July. It's over now. Now you have to go back to work and Raw sucks. Welcome back to reality.



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JG col

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JG's Ten Sesame Street Muppets That Are Missing And Presumed Dead
JG's Scene From WWE Raw (After Vince McMahon Goes Senile)
JG's Ten Signs You Were A Wrestling Fan Of The 1980s
JG's Insanity: Stone Cold's Greatest Moments (Without Stone Cold)
JG's Ten Wrestling Moves That Really Hurt When You Try Them At Home
JG's Insanity: Everybody Is Tito Santana
JG's Ten Reasons Why WWF LJN Figures Were The Greatest Toys Ever
JG's Ten Judges Who Would Make American Idol Worth Watching
JG's 2012 in Pictures (As Hulk Hogan Will Remember It)
JG's Quintuple Bypass Surgery Insanity
JG's Five Episodes of Diff'rent Strokes That Scarred Me For Life
JG's Ten Facebook Posts That Are Slowly Driving Me Crazy
JG's Ten Truly Terrible Reality Competition Shows
JG's Ten 1980s TV Characters Who Taught Me To Hate
JG's Ten Wrestling Characters Who Went Through Massive Personality Changes
JG's Ten Old School Wrestlers Who Would Terrorize Today's PG WWE

The Challenge: Final Reckoning - Episode 2
TGIF: A New Day For Hulk, MLW's Major League Potential, and More
The ROHbot Report: Nashville Return, Top Contenders 6-Man Gauntlet, And More
The Challenge: Final Reckoning - Episode 1
TGIF: Japanese Garden Party of Honor, Rib JR's Rib, and More
The ROHbot Report: Bully-Burger Steal the Show, NWA Title in ROH, And More
Anime Verdict: Street Fighter 2 The Animated Movie
TGIF: Hug Therapy, Down Goes Dalton, and More
The ROHbot Report: Best in the World Review, Fairfax TV Tapings, And More
TGIF: Dog Bites Artist, All Them, and More
The Challenge: Champs vs. Stars 3 - Finale & Reunion
The ROHbot Report: Best in the World '18, TV Classic Main Event, And More
TGIF: Cass'd Away, DIY Does It Again, and More
The ROHbot Report: State of the Art Reviews, ROH International Cup, And More
The Challenge: Champs vs. Stars 3 - Episode 9
TGIF: The Greatest Professional Wrestling Match Of All Time
The ROHbot Report: San Antonio/Dallas Previews, Bullies Dominate, and More
The Challenge: Champs vs. Stars 3 - Episode 8
TGIF: CM Punk Gets One More WWE Victory, Constable Corbin, and More
The ROHbot Report: Austin Aries Goes For The Gold, NY TV Results, And More
Solo: A Star Wars Story Review
TGIF: You Can't Teach Rap, NBC's World Wrestling Embarrassed, and More
The Challenge: Champs vs. Stars 3 - Episode 7
The ROHbot Report: UK Tour Reviews, TV Recap, And More
The Challenge: Champs vs. Stars - Episode 6
TGIF:The Lashley Girls Kill RAW, Merging Impact, and More
The ROHbot Report: Honor United Previews, ROH TV Episode 348, And More
The Challenge: Champs vs. Stars 3 - Episode 5
TGIF: Nia Gets Rowdy, All In All Sold Out, and More
The Challenge: Champs vs. Stars 3 - Episode 4


-

JG's 7/21/08 Raw Insanity: John Cena Accidentally Punches Batista On Purpose
Jul 21, 2018
JG's 7/20/10 NXT Insanity: McGillibuddies Make Michael Cole Want To Throw Up
Jul 20, 2018
JG's 7/14/03 Raw Insanity: Kane Isn't Burned, But J.R. Is
Jul 14, 2018
JG's 7/13/10 NXT Insanity: Nextivus For The Rest of Us
Jul 13, 2018
JG's 7/12/04 Raw Insanity: Kane's a Woman
Jul 12, 2018
JG's 7/11/05 Raw Insanity: Poor Man's Pillman V1
Jul 11, 2018
JG's 7/6/09 Raw Insanity: Ted DiBiase Breaks The Fifth Commandment
Jul 6, 2018
JG's 7/4/05 Raw Insanity: Chavo Guerrero becomes White
Jul 4, 2018
JG's 7/2/07 Raw Insanity: Has Anyone Seen Daniel Beck?
Jul 2, 2018
JG's 6/19/06 Raw Insanity: Vince Pumps Chickens
Jun 19, 2018
JG's 6/18/07 Raw Insanity: Mick Foley Gets A Samoan Bulldozing
Jun 18, 2018
JG's 6/15/09 Raw Insanity: Donald Trump Will Buy Anything
Jun 15, 2018
JG's 6/14/04 Raw Insanity: Hunter is Eugene's Best Friend
Jun 14, 2018
JG's 6/11/07 Raw Insanity: Vince McMahon Finally Gets Appreciation...Then He Dies
Jun 11, 2018
JG's 6/5/06 Raw Insanity: Shane-O-Mac Trips On Preggo Powder
Jun 5, 2018
JG's 5/31/04 Raw Insanity: Why Kane is a Bad Friend
May 31, 2018
JG's 5/30/05 Raw Insanity: Kane's a Fourth Grader And Other Love Stories
May 30, 2018
JG's 5/28/07 Raw Insanity: The McMumble Express Debates
May 28, 2018
JG's 5/27/08 ECW Insanity: Jamaican My Eye Bleed
May 27, 2018
JG's 5/26/09 ECW Insanity: You're Not In The Hart Dynasty
May 26, 2018

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