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JG's 8/3/10 NXT Insanity: Lucky Charms and Losing Makes Perfect

By James Guttman Aug 3, 2018 - 11:10 AM print

Originally Published August 3, 2010

WWE Smackdown Tapings...Catering Area...


Husky Harris:  (shoving his way in) Yo. Move.


Harris pushes his fellow NXT stars out of the way and makes a spot for himself at the table.


Alex Riley:  Holy crap, Husky! What the hell did you get?!


Husky:  Powdered Donut Pancake Surprise and Cheezy Poofs.


Kaval:  That's a lot of food, man. You don't need to get fatter.


Husky:  I'm not fat. I'm just big boned. The Cheezy Poofs are appetizers. This is what you eat before you eat to make you more hungry.


Michael McGillicutty:   I don't know about you guys, but I think the burgers here are amazing. I mean they are absolutely...terrific.


A man with a clipboard walks to the table.


Bill Smith:   Hey guys. My name's Bill Smith. I'm with the catering company and I was wondering if I could take a seat. We were looking to do some research. You mind if I ask you a few questions about the food?





Percy Watson: Sure, man. We'll try. When we answer questions without scripts, we tend to stumble a bit.


McGillicutty:   But you know what they say. Practice makes excellence.


Awkward pause.  Everyone stares at McGillicutty as he takes a huge bite of  his hamburger.


Smith:   Um, ok. So my first question...


Watson: Shhhh. Oh crap. Dude. Shut up. Here comes Lucky Cannon. Don't say a word.


Lucky walks by. Everyone freezes. He circles the table, sniffing each person. After a tense and frightening few minutes, he snarls and walks off.


Smith: What the hell was that?!


Kaval:  That was Lucky Cannon. He's f**kin' crazy. He even scares fatso here.


Husky:  (squinting his eyes and screaming) DON'T CALL ME FAT, GODDAMNIT! You will respect my authorit-tie!


Smith:  Are you guys being serious?


Riley: Yeah. You don't know about him? He's got all sorts of issues. His name isn't even Lucky. It's Palmer.  You better vote for him. 


Smith: But, he looks so nice on TV.


McGillicutty:  Dude, nobody's flawless. Here. Listen to this song. We recorded it last week. We figured we could do some singing if this wrestling thing doesn't work out.    Put these headphones on and listen to this. It's based on the song "Lucky," by Britney Spears.






This is a story about a boy named Lucky.

Every Tuesday
He shows up
Knock, knock, knock, knock some more

No one opens
It stays locked
So he shoots a hand cannon through the door

They go...
Isn't he crazy
This Jim Powers guy...

And they say..
His name's Lucky
Not quite a star
But he tries tries tries on the SyFy Show- Thinking,

if there's no one cheering me tonight,
Then why not go end all their lives?

Looks like Tom Zenk, Can-Am team
But there's no one there to play Martel
And his smi-le's hiding all the rage that's blinding
But tell me, what happens when he snaps?

Uh oh

Isn't he scary...
This psychotic guy...

And they scream...
"His name's Lucky
He's got a gun"
And they cry cry cry to 9-1-1 - Screaming,

"He's high on Crystal! Oh no, he shot my wife!
I wish we had voted him last night!"



NXT is over and the winner is...Lucky!



I'm Marcus Smart for Wrestling News standing outside the arena waiting for Lucky.  Oh my God! Here he comes!

Isn't he crazy...
This Tom Brandi guy...


His name is Lucky
And he'll make you die.
If there are no votes... for him to get the win
Then you all die tonight.

"No, please Lucky
It's gone too far"
And you'll cry cry cry as he eats your kids - Screaming,
"If we only voted him last night
Then Grand-ma would still be alive!"

His name's Lucky.
And he'll hump hump, hump your severed head - Squealing,

if there's no one voting him tonight
Then he'll go and end all their lives.




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Last week, the White Khali was eliminated. With material like repeating the word "mustache," it's hard to imagine why. Afterwards, he attacked everyone around him. Josh Matthews yells, "Anarchy Rules here on NXT!" He better be careful. That's an ECW phrase. Can't TNA sue them for that?


NXT Theme Plays. Their milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard.


Michael Cole woke up this morning all bummed out because he has to do another one of these dumb ass wrestling commentary gigs. Josh Mathews - well, he's too stoned to care either way. No matter though. They're both here to call all the action from start to finish. What action, you ask? There's action, smart-ass. I mean...isn't there? I know they do videos and contests. I'm sure they wrestle once or twice during the hour. You know, accidentally or something. Speaking of accidents, let's go to Matt Striker, who is too smelly to be allowed near the broadcast table. Instead he's in the ring and he's got some 'nouncing ta do!


Striker welcomes us all to the show. Then he welcomes the rookies. Hell, he welcomes everyone. You're welcome. He's welcome. We're welcome. Well, come to the ring, kids because Mr. Sick Day is ready to deliver five of you closer to your dream. But before he can, he has to talk about last week's brawl. That nonsense was nonsense. You have to kiss and make up.




We're having a kissing contest.

"And what would a kissing contest be without divas?"
- Matt Striker


What Divas you ask? Michele McCool and Layla... Lay Cool! When the co-Divas Champion make their way to the ring, they instruct the rookies that they will be kissing them here tonight. Being "flawless," everyone wants to kiss them. But, sorry people.   No kisses for you!  You have to sit back and watch because the NXT rookies are the ones who are going to be doing the puckers, suckers. Because, there's nothing that gets a rookie over in the WWE locker room faster than sticking his tongue down the throat of Undertaker's brand spanking new wife.  First up - Husky Harris.


"You're the army tank with a Ferrari engine. So it's time we get that engine revving, don't you think?"

 - Michale McCool


With that, McCool has Hungry step up, close his eyes, and.... Stop! Real talk! You boys aren't kissing these two hotties.   Ha!  You thought...oh, no, no, no.  You're kissing someone else.  The one and only - Laredo's 1993 Homecoming Queen...Margarita!


And there it is. Margarita.  Yup.  That old gag.  Fat lady. Unibrow. Mouth Sores.   She wobbles to the ring and we all have a good laugh at her expense.


Michael Cole, pretending his didn't tap that this morning, wonders if Laredo has a Richter scale. From there, Margarita kisses the boys one by one. It's all very awful.


Husky Harris: Tries to grab the microphone. Dip. Kiss. Collapse.


Michael McGillicutty: Spins her around. Big hug...and then he licks her sores.  Yeah.  I can't believe I just wrote that. Wonder what Frank Gotch would say right now.


Lucky Cannon: Small, romantic mouth kiss. She's blown away by it. She better be. That motherf**ker's crazy.


Percy Watson:   Cries. Has to be pushed into her by McCool.

Kaval: Lay Cool agonize over making their trainee do this. So...Layla grabs Lo-Ki and kisses him herself. Stumbling, Senshi appears to have been spared the indignity of kissing the gross lady. But, no. Sorry, Kavatelli. You have to do it. With his eyes clenched, the barritone faces his fear and plants the peck and the niarsty trollwoman.   He follows that act of bravery by spitting up on himself.


Alex Riley: Kisses her. Faints. Either that or he fell asleep like all of us.

Winner: Lucky Cannon


I told you he would win. He scares them. That dude's nuts.


The Luck steps forward, but learns that he has to share the prize with all the other Neck Cysts. What do they win?  A laundry list of diseases including athlete's foot and cooties. Yeah.   Cooties.  That actually sounds awesome.  I loved that game as a kid. I wouldn't mind winning that. I wonder if I could win Hungry Hungry Hippos too. 



Commercial Break. Optimum provides TV and phone service. Yet, they put a commercial on TV telling me to call them. If they're targeting people who need TV and phone service, doesn't it make more sense to put advertising in newspapers telling people to mail them?


1. Husky Harris pinned Kaval after a senton


The managers still stand on the apron and I still hate it. What's the point? Just stand on the floor. You don't have to balance the whole time on two feet of mat. You can just stand on a floor. Weirdos. I said it before and I'll say it again, Husky Harris shouldn't win this show. In fact, he should be eliminated soon. If he is, that'll be his gimmick. He'll be all pissed off and talk about NXT in the same way that Stone Cold Steve Austin talked about WCW. It could be the basis for his bitter attitude and give him more of a bad-ass feel. God knows his ring work is brutal enough, giving a strong style feel to his matches.  This match saw him showcase that smashmouth style as he used a senton to squash Kaval for the second week in a row. Between this and Samoa Joe's TNA suspension today, there are some very sad smarks out there. Very sad indeed.

Miz on Michael McGillicutty: "I feel like I've seen this before. I feel like everyone wants to take daddy's footsteps...Daddy was good, you're mediocre."


Ashley Kanellis follows the segment up by interviewing McGillicutty and his mentor, Kofi Kingston. He calls out The Miz and appears to have the match all sewn up...until that crazy bastard Lucky Cannon walks in. Flanked by his Sexually Chocolaty mentor Mark "Chef" Henry, Cannon gets all up Junior Perfect's business. As they bark about who should face Mizerable Mike, they were cut off...by someone watching from the ramp. That person? The man with the giant red briefcase, The Miz.


The U.S. Champion laughs at how he's on everyone's mind. You boys can't get enough of Big Mike and his Jedward hair. Well, why don't you just fight each other tonight instead? That doesn't sit well with Kofi. The man who faked that accent for a while tells Mizster that he has a better idea. How about if McGillicutty and Cannon face one another tonight...but the winner goes on to face The Miz. When? Also tonight! Sound good? How about it, McFly? Chicken?!

Irate, the Hoorah Kid stands tall with his Money in the Bankcase tightly in his hand. He looks into Double K's giant Titantron eyes, tells him to bring on his rookies, and then makes a promise -


"I will eat them alive!"

- The Miz


Not if Lucky eats you first, punk. Not if he eats you first.


Commercial Break. Tony Stewart works at Burger King. God, the economy is f**ked right now, isn't it?





2. Mike McGillicutty pinned Lucky Cannon after the McGillicutter


Why does Mark Henry wear button up short sleeved shirts on NXT? He's such a huge dude. He should dress in a way that makes me think he's ready to kill me. Instead he's dressed like he's ready to go out drinking at Applebee's. While thinking of funny examples of places Mark could go dressed as he is, this match ends. Record time. Mike hits the McGillicutter and scores a pin. I've had yawns that lasted longer than this match.


Commercial Break. Piranha 3D. Yay. I forgot about the best part of this 3D fad - crappy movies with no point other than to have scenes where millions of things fly in front of your face.


Summerslam is coming up. I guess that means that Brutus Beefcake is due for an injury at some point soon.


More time to kill. No need to fill it with wrestling. Instead, we turn the attention the WWE superstar pros. They're given live microphone and asked to name their worst mentor colleagues.


Kofi Kingston: Lay-Cool because they put Kaval in a "pink Snuggie."


Lay Cool: Kofi Kingston because he picked them. Catty beetoches.


Mark Henry: Zack Ryder because he had the first eliminated guest and because Mark wanted to get his answer out fast so he could go get some boneless chicken wings and whatever is two-for-one bottles tonight.


Cody Rhodes:   Kofi Kingston because Cody is going to take his Intercontinental Title. That makes sense.


Zack Ryder:...Gets cut off by the mentor for one of the participants in our next match.

"No one cares, Zack Ryder. Put your Twitter down."
- The Miz


Ha ha. Zack Ryder stinks.


John Morrison tries to get himself over in all this commotion. He tries to argue but it turns into a big talk-over fest. Miz wins the shout-out and gets to yell out his catchphrase. Triumphant, he walks to the ring.


"We should just change the name of this show to MIZ instead of NXT"

- Michael Cole


Cole is sooooooo into him. He's so frigging into him it's crazy. I wouldn't be surprised if deep down Michael thinks that if he kills him and wears his skin, they'll be joined for eternity. Lock your door, Miz.  That boy hasn't been right since Heidenreich diddled his piddle.


Commercial Break. Kick-Ass is now on DVD. Make sure you pronounce the name clearly when ordering it or else they might accidentally send you porn.


In a WWE.com exclusive that's being shown on WWE TV, thus making the exclusive term almost meaningless, Percy Watson says he doesn't get along with Alex Riley. I think it's because Percy likes Rachel and Brendan but Alex is more into The Brigade. Meow meow.


3. Alex Riley pinned Percy Watson after a TKO


People love Percy. He's a fan favorite. Not a favorite fan - fan favorite. Know who my favorite fan is? He's this guy who, every time we send out announcements of our latest ClubWWI guest, responds with a message asking them why they left the company they last wrestled for. The template is, "(Wrestler's Name) why you leave (company name)?" So, let's say it's Ivan Putski. I get a message with a subject of "ivan putski." The message is then, "ivan putski polish power why you leave wwf." Yeah. That guy's my favorite fan. He makes me look forward to sending out announcements. Watson is a fan favorite, though, and gets the crowd moving.  He manges to evoke real emotion when Al takes control. Nowinski V2010 keeps up the offense, but finds Percy hard to keep down. P-Dub gets a number of near falls before running into the corner, mounting Riley, and asking the crowd to "give me ten!" They start counting his punches, but stop when he's grabbed and kneed in the nuts.   Unable to rebound after gettingh is groin smashed, Watson eventual gets caught in a Marc Mero TKO.


The bell rings and with that, Mike McGillicutty walks the aisle to prepare for his big main event. Either Mizzy goes down or Gill's perfect record gets clipped. Unlike his dad, his record won't be clipped by a Barber, but by a reality TV star. Step up? Step down? You make the call. There's some cutting and strutting...after the break.


Commercial Break. Six Flags has the slogan of "more flags, more flag fun." I doubt that's true. In elementary school, we had little flags from different countries all around the classroom and, to be perfectly frank, elementary school was pretty f**kin' boring.


Next week, we'll be eliminating another NXT rookie. "rookie why you leave nxt."


4. The Miz pinned Michael McGillicutty


Cole has nothing but bad things to say about Mike McGillicutty. Of course, he's totally head over heels for Miz. This biased commentary incenses Josh Matthews, who calls out Old Thing Cole for being so one-sided. It doesn't affect Michael though. He still spouts off glowing reviews of the U.S. Champion even as Junior Perfect regained control at times. These spurts of offense were short lived, though, and we ended up with a Skull Crashing Finale. After a full nelson front face sweep, Mizzy scored the pin and put the rookie out to pasture.   Gloating, Cole tells Joshua to put that on his MySpace. The response was great.


"No one's MySpaced since 2003."

- Josh Matthews


Mid ring, Alex Riley and The Miz stand side-by-side looking way too tan as we fade to black.

All in all... Slow moments. Lots of slow moments.


Look, we have to look at this show through a different lens than most. You can't have matches the whole time. Five minute bouts are the norm because that's how long these guys should be doing on TV. That said, the in-between ad-lib skits need to have variety. Tonight didn't have that. It was the same predictable forced kiss on an unattractive lady gimmick that used to always have Mae Young as a punch line. There's only so much you can do with it. It lasted way too long and, while it might have had people entertained in the arena, didn't translate well on TV.


Michael Cole is so into The Miz that it's uncomfortable. I hate the whole thing unless WWE is willing to take it to another level. If there's no intention of bringing M.C. out from behind the booth, then just leave it alone. You shouldn't be tweaking the commentary of an announcer you've spent years building up the credibility of. It also comes off really weird seeing as how infatuated he is with The Miz. The real money in all this would be to turn it into a stalker angle where Cole ties him up in his basement.


The show was okay but with no elimination, it seemed a bit pointless. Luckily, someone leaves next week. My guess? Husky Harris. He always finishes down on the list. He wouldn't deserve it, but, like I said, it would serve him well in the long term.   A gimmick like that needs angst.  Getting screwed out of an NXT win because he likes to eat donuts could be just what he needs to fuel his fire.


That does it for me. Be Well. Thanks for sharing my insanity.


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