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JG's 8/6/07 Raw Insanity: The McMahon Resurrection and Paternity Suit

By James Guttman Aug 6, 2018 - 9:32 AM print

Originally Published August 6, 2007


WWE.com 24/7 Magazine Presents:

Original Conclusions For Dropped Angles

Sports Entertainment moments are memories that last forever. Whether it's a match between established superstars like WrestleMania 20's Triple H vs. Shawn Michaels showdown or a contest featuring a star on the rise like the WrestleMania 23 match between MVP and no one, we have moments we never forget

However, there are a few chosen moments that fell through the cracks. Moments that began, but never ended. These are called the "Dropped Angles." For those of you not familiar with the term, "Dropped Angles" is a term that WWE Superstars use to refer to their conflicts with one another that never had closure. It's also the term we use whenever TNA signs one of our former stars. We laugh about it.

With Vince McMahon's return to Monday Night Raw on the August 6th edition of Raw, fans had a chance to see a "dropped angle" return. It was the return of Mr. McMahon to Raw after his supposed "explosion" in a limo. Fans would get to see how this angle (or conflict) would have played out. In this spirit, WWE.com 24/7 Magazine is proud to give you, the reader, a chance to see some of how these "Dropped Angles" would have played out.

Brutus "The Barber" Rockface

Finally The Rock Has Come Back To Beefcake's....head.!

Year: 1991

Angle: An unknown wrestler, wearing a hairy mask, would run into the ring following a bad guy's win over a preliminary wrestler and headbutt him.

Story: In 1990, Brutus Beefcake was scheduled to wrestle Mr. Perfect at Summerslam. The contest would be another battle between the two men following the Beefer's WrestleMania victory. It all looked good until Brutus went parasailing and broke his face. Whoops.

Months later, a mysterious masked wrestler began running into the ring and headbutting random baddies. The mask, hairy and strange, seemed to be shielding a dark secret. What was that secret? The fans never knew.

The Full Story: The "angle" (or conflict) was dropped after only a few run-ins. People assumed that The Barber was under the mask, but they didn't know what we had planned for it. Here's the thing. The mask wasn't a mask. It never was. WWE officials had already set the gears in motion for an updated gimmick unlike any other. Brutus "The Barber" Rockface.

The idea was simple. If Beefcake was getting surgery on his face anyway, why not go full scale? World Wrestling Entertainment convinced the Barber to begin a series of chemical treatments, aimed to turn his entire head into a rock-like substance. With daily injections and a series of surgeries, Brutus' face and scalp would become incredibly rock-like and allow him to do all sorts of crazy Ram Man stuff. In return, WWE promised Brutus a run with the Hairy States Memorial Heritage Brass Knuckle Hardcore Title (a championship we made up on the spot, but he believed us so - oh well.)

Because of the treatments, Rockface was prohibited from shaving. That's why his "mask" appeared to be hairy. It was his face, you idiots. Brutus Rockface. The angle would have played out perfectly with Earthquake eventually facing "the masked" man on pay-per-view only to discover that the mask wasn't a mask. It was a face! HA! A FACE! A FACE!

Not only that, but the entire thing would have also added a dimension of irony to Brutus's character as he would be both unable to cut his own hair due to the treatments, but at the same time he would be a Barber. It was downright Shakespearean.

Unfortunately, the angle was dropped after Brutus told Hulk Hogan about it. Hogan apparently said, "What? Are you out of your mind?! What the hell are you doing?" That was the end of that. Thanks, Hulk. You ruined the whole thing, you big ruiner.



Year: 2003

Angle: Booker T is handed a note that reads "I Still Remember." It isn't mentioned again.

Story: Booker T is handed a note that reads "I Still Remember." It isn't mentioned again.

The Full Story: It was Mr. T. That's who was behind it. The confrontation was videotaped for an upcoming episode of Raw, but was never used. Why? Well, here's the transcript.


Booker T: YOU!

Mr. T.: Hey fool. I'm looking for you.

Booker T: Why?

Mr. T: I heard you been going around telling people you're Mr. T.

Booker T: My name is Booker T. So that's my name! That's why!

Mr. T: I pity the fool that impersonates Mr. T.!

Booker T: Tell me... you didn't just say that!

Mr. T: I pity the fool that impersonates Mr. T.!

Booker T: Tell... me you... didn't just say that!

Mr. T: I pity the fool that impersonates Mr. T.!

Booker T: Tell... me... you didn't just say... that!

Mr. T: I pity the fool that impersonates Mr. T.!

Booker T: Tell me... you...did...not... just say that!

Director: Uh, guys....

Mr. T: I pity the fool that impersonates Mr. T.!

Booker T: Tell me you didn't just say that!

This went on for another 45 minutes. We eventually had to turn the hose on them and give them both oxygen. This occurrence, while rare, does happen in wrestling - as in the infamous backstage "Hoo-rah/Damn Incident of 2006."



Ric Flair's "Scandalous Elizabeth Photos" of WrestleMania 8

Year: We don't know. Whatever year WrestleMania 8 was. This year's Mania was 23. It's 2007. Do the math.

Angle: Ric Flair, having already shown Photoshopped pictures of Randy Savage's wife, Miss Elizabeth, promised to reveal the most scandalous ones following their WrestleMania 8 match.

Story: That's pretty much it. Flair made a promise and the photos never surfaced. Following his loss to Savage, Ric grabbed Liz and violently kissed her on the lips. Sadly, no photo was put on the big screen.

The Full Story: Steve Lombardi forgot to get the pic put on film so it could go on the screen. Now, for the first time ever, here's the Miss Elizabeth photo that Flair and Perfect hoped would shock the world:



Next Time On WWE.com 24/7 Magazine's
"Original Conclusions For Dropped Angles"

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...and more!


ClubWWI.com Members

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Plus, ClubWWI.com members can hear the entire 47 minute interview with David Young as he drives to Hermie Sadler's UWF Show.


Immediately following WWE's seizure-inducing "What The World Is Watching" open, we go to a video from earlier tonight. It's Mr. McMahon. He's here and he's alive. He's also sporting the same hairstyle he had in his high school yearbook photo. As soon as the boss comes back to the show, he's met by a doting John Coachman. Oh, Mista Vinnie! So good to see you! Vince loves those sentiments, Baldo Bomb. Good to be loved. Now, on to business. Let's get all of the contracted Raw talent into that ring tonight. Why?  Well, as a U.S. Citizen, Mac wants to exercise his right to expression. So he's going to the ring so he can express himself, just like Madonna says to do on that mixtape Hunter gave him. He'll do it in that... right now!

Raw Theme Plays.  Does the guy sing, "I just wanna be loved?"  That's pretty fruity, huh?

King Jerry Lawler and Jimmy Jam Ross are slamming Buffalo like Native Americans on speed. The show is underway and as we pan the crowd, we see a sign that reads "I Love Nick BB8." Danielle? Signs aside, the ring is filling up with a parade of WWE Raw Superstars. From King Bookah to Umaga, they all arrive and stand in the ring. No Cena. No worries, though. The biggest star of them all is alive like Frampton and rocking twice as hard. He's the walking scandalous soundbite. He's Vincent Kennedy McMahon!

Cue Mr. McMahon.

Sure thing. Hey, He's back from the dead, huh? Too bad the ratings aren't. HA! Am I right? Am I right? Come on. Up high. Up....what? What's wrong? Why are you looking at me like...oh. He's standing behind me, isn't he?

Vince McMahon is indeed here. (JG Note: He's looking good for a guy who supposedly died on the June 11th edition of Raw and then spent then next month and a half in hell.) The Mac Daddy knows that you're all shocked to see him here. After all, the last time he was on Raw, he was blown to "smithereens." What are smithereens, you ask? They're tiny smithers. Here. Watch this video tape.

Video of Vince McMahon blowing up in a limo. I don't mean it in the ran-out-of-air sense. I mean in it in the KABLOOEY sense.

Why a fake death?  Why all that kablooey? Why all the smithereens? Well, it's simple. Vince McMahon wanted to go out in a blaze of glory, like the Bon Jovi song. Also on the mixtape, I guess. The reason for the fake death is more about Vince than anyone else. It's about his need to know. He needed to know who cared. He needed to know who didn't. The outpouring of support was overwhelming. That's right. VKM saw that he was beloved by many. After all, why wouldn't he be? Everyone sees him as an icon of entertainment. Disregard his Richie Cunningham hairdo and listen to his words.

"I have a lot to say tonight about a number of topics....Among those topics I will address will be United States Congress. (What?) United States Congress. I'll also address the hypocrisy. The hypocrisy of the news media. I'll also address as well certain individuals of my immediate family."
- Vince McMahon

And so the Lenny Bruce spiral begins. After telling us what he'll talk about later, he starts to talk about now. To everyone in the ring, Mr. McMahon says...nothing yet. As he's about to, John Coachman shows up and the chairman doesn't look pleased. You're late, Coach. Wha'da'eff! Anyway, enough of you. On to important issues. Folks in the ring, get ready. That bell is gonna ring in a moment and we're gonna have ourselves a Battle Royal! The winner will be Raw's new General Manager! John looks shocked by this, but has no time to whine about it!  Ring that bell, bitch!

1. William Regal won a Battle Royal to become the new Raw General Manager.

I liked this match for one reason. I had someone to cheer for. I was completely behind Umaga. All I kept picturing was people coming to him and asking for title matches while he eats live chickens. That would be awesome. His office could have pictures of Kamala on the wall. Man!  It would be totally awesome. Of course for that very reason, it didn't happen. Maga eliminated a ton of people, but it didn't mean much. He tossed out Highlanders, Super Crazy, and various other mid-carders before being dumped himself at the hands of the Sandman. In fact, the Extreme Icon was the success story here. He really held on at the end and found himself as one of the last four men in the ring. Jim Duggan tossed Mr. Kennedy and followed right after, leaving Sandy in the ring with Carlito, Cody Rhodes, and Shelton Benjamin. Immediately, you begin to picture each guy as the G.M. of Raw. Every one of them seemed intriguing. The most intriguing of all? The cigarette smoking, beer can-headbutting ECW Original. That's why it worked when he won. Yeah. He won. Rhodes was the first out. His spot seemed botched as he was super kicked by Shelton and failed to carry his momentum over the top rope. He fell to the mat and Carly, seeing this, immediately picked him up and tossed him out. Benji and Cool didn't rejoice over this elimination, though. Instead they got to fightin' on the ring apron. Smart move, guys. All Sandman has to do is hit you both and you'll fall. In fact...that's what he did. Ring the bell. We have a new Raw General Manager and his name is...

William Regal. Yeah. The predictable name came running into the ring attacked the phony winner from behind. He grabbed the Hardcore Icon and tossed him from the ring. Exit Sandman. Lord William of Regal is your new General Manager. He drops to the ground and gives the Richard Nixon salute.

Commercial Break

John Coachman doesn't have his happy face on. He has his frustrated face on. Slumped onto the famous leather couch backstage, Coachman listens to Mr. McMahon talk about the paper he holds in his hand. Know what this paper is, Jonathan?

"I hold two different letters from congress. Two different congressional committees want to investigate The Dubyabeeyee at the same time. Does that make any sense to you whatsoever? None. I mean you might as well have Barney Fife from the old Andy Griffith show. Now Barney can do a full investigation. I mean, Why do we need a congressional committee, much less two to investigate WWE. That makes no sense whatsoever."
- Vince McMahon

I was waiting for a Daniel Beck reference. Instead we got a dated one. Barney Fife? Anyway, Mr. McMahon's Nick At Night viewing habits aside, he knows his history...kind of. He brings up the Declaration of Independence, but mistakenly refers to Ben Franklin as "President." The scholarly Coach corrects him. Vinnie, Ben was never the Prez. He was on the $100 bill. Mr. McMakeAnEnemyofTheGovernment-Man tells him "That's better." He then smiles, but Coachman doesn't return the grin.

Ah...hold on. You can't hide those inside tears from Daddy Mac, Coachy. He feels your pain. He knows why you hurt. You think you're out of a job because William Regal took your spot as G.M., don't'cha? Nah. You have a job with Madison Square Garden as William Regal's assistant. Ouch. That's like when Bobby Heenan sold Hercules to Ted DiBiase for white slavery. Know what's sad? I didn't make that up as a joke. That was an actual thing that happened. Man. Sometimes I forget how insane the olden days were too.

Back at the broadcast booth, Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler know where their proverbial bread is buttered. "The King of Kings" Triple H is coming back and he's got everyone so excited that we need to reupholster the seats. Stepping in for Jackass will be Hunter Hearst Helmsley at Summerslam. He did a French gimmick when he first started out. Then he did an arrogant rich American gimmick when he came to WWF. Then he was a Degenerate. Then he was Super Ric Flair with a sledgehammer. Now he's a bionic robot that takes nicknames from things he reads at church.

Following Triple H Video Package #1, we head over to Todd Grisham, who's chilling with Booker T and Queen Sharmelle. Say, Bookie, now that we know that the King of Kings will be at Summer...whoa. Book stops Todd in his tracks. King of whats? Nah ah. Hunter is poser, just like Jerome Lawler. Come this evening, we'll have a finished issue. Next week, we'll be at Madison Square Garden. Once there, the winner of tonight's match will have a coronation! The person who will be handling the winner's said-coronation? The loser. Ah yes. Jerry will fall to the true King of World Wrestling Federtainment and crown him so at MSG next week. All hail King Bookah!

Still to Come: Carlito's Cabana with Special Guest - the man he traded spit with last week - John Cena.

Hey. Saw you standing here at the party. I don't know anyone here. Not really a mingler. Figured I'd come over and introduce myself. Name's Ted. I do data entry. What's your name? Whaddaya do for a living?

Snitsky. Wrestler.

Oh, like Captain Lou Albano, right? What's your, uh, gimmick?

I'm ugly and I kill babies.

Well. That's great. That's just great. I'm gonna go stand over there.

2. Snitsky pinned Rory McAllister after a Pumphandle Slam

Jerry Lawler said that Snitsky's teeth are so yellow that they make cars slow down. Surprisingly, Jim Ross didn't make a Lindsay Lohan pop culture reference. Good for him. That would just be cheap. Anyway, Snitz beat the hell out of Rory (the bald one that looks like a Vachon or something) and finished him off with the Pumphandle Slam. He lifted the Highlander high in the air and crashed him into the mat like Lindsay Lohan after a crazy night of partying.

Backstage, Mr. McMahon is talking to Brian Boitano. John Coachman runs in to get his attention. Yo, yo, Vincenzo. You have a telephone call. It's your accountant. Big Mac takes the cell phone from Coach's hand, wipes it off, and addresses his accountant, George. VKM tells Georgie Numbers to open the books. It's all good. Let them audit like crazy. The same thing will happen that "happened last time, they'll end up owing me money." Once he hangs up, he reveals the nature of his call to John. It's the Internal Revenue Service. They're looking into Daddy Mac's big pockets and God only knows what they'll find. Not! Hot damn, Coachy. The Tax Men don't scare Vince. But think...

"When you think about it, the media is going to have field day with this one. Think about it. Mr. McMahon investigated by the Internal Revenue Service. Must have been some sort of chicanery going on. Must have been ducking some money somewhere. I know. This'll even be better. Someone, guarantee you, the news media is going to come up with, uh, Mr. McMahon was laundering money as a result of doing business with some sort of Columbian Drug Cartel. Do you know the difference, by the way Coach, between the news media and the WWE?... Not a damn thing. You know why? Because we're both in the entertainment - entertainment - business. Facts don't have a damn thing to do with the news anymore. As a matter of fact, you can take all of the news programs, roll them into one. Know what you'd have? You'd have a logical extension of the television show Entertainment Tonight. I.R.S. Ha."
- Vince McMahon

As Vince walks off, we spy Irwin R. Shyster sitting in a chair. He looks up from his newspaper and smirks. Funny stuff. Good to see Mr. McMahon is making friends all over the place here. On a side note, does he really think that people in the news media would refer to him as "Mr. McMahon?"

Commercial Break. I had one of these disgusting things when I was a kid.

Since we're taking digs at Congress and Nancy Grace, we might as well get one in on Brooke Hogan. So out comes Jillian Hall. Clueless and clad in an oversized headset, Jill welcomes herself to the show. Hey, folks! Who wants to talk to Lillian Garcia? We do! Lil! Get your ring-announcing arse in this ring. Pronto! Wait...is that Spanish?

Garcia enters the ring and stands face to giant-foam-microphone-ball with Jillian.  Jill questions her on her album and then stands stunned when she hears the name of it. I tried to look it up on Amazon so I could link it here, but all I found is  this book that I really hope was written by a different Lillian Garcia After mocking Lilly's singing skills, Jilly sings her own rendition of...uh, something until Mickie James comes bouncing out.

3. Jillian Hall pinned Mickie James after a Full Nelson Face Buster

The crowd chanted "boring" during this match because, well, it was pretty boring. In fact, this whole show is coming off very Crash TV-ish. I'm waiting to cut to a video of the Mean Street Posse in a ball pit. Also, Jillian may be getting a push, but they need to do more with that character. Brookisms aside, Hall has a gimmick that's easy for people to get because it's ripped right from the pages of Tiger Beat or whatever magazine it is the young people are enjoying these days. As for Mickie, she's seen better days. Today wasn't a good one. In the end, Jillian "Don't Call Me Scott" Hall hit a Full Nelson Face Buster and scored the pinfall. Say hello to da bad girl.

Backstage, William Regal arrives to find the Dwight Shrute to his Michael Scott, The Coach. After being referred to as "assistant" by Regal, Coachman corrects him and says he's the Assistant General Manager. Whatever. Dream on, Montel Williams. Semantics aside, the new G.M. has a wish that he'd like to have fulfilled. He's always wanted to host his own game show! Yeah! What better place to do that than on a wrestling show? Tell ya what. Go round up some contestants and make that happen. We'll have our own version of the Dating Game! Hooray! Oh...and Coachman. Get some Earl Gray Tea, too! Chop, chop. Mover your chains, Hercules.

Last week, Carlito threw up on John Cena in slow motion.

Commercial Break. Tomorrow night on ECW - John Morrison and CM Punk because, well, that's all they have.

Carlito spits in the face of people who he spit in the face of last week, at least that's what is on his mind. For now, he settles on doing another rendition of his talk show, Carlito's Cabana. It's Piper's Pit with a hammock and the Caribbean Queen is ready to rumble. As you know, he spit in John Cena's face last week. Since that was so much fun, he chose to put himself in the position to do it again. Let's bring the Champ out here right now, we need some silliness mixed with aggression. Johnny! Get out here, ya silly aggressive assneck!

Hey jerky! The Champ is here! John Cena has arrived on Carlito's show. He's none to happy with the afroed Apple Spitter. He makes that clear as soon as he steps in the ring by pushing Carly down into a chair. There. Now that you're relaxed, you can have the best seat in the house. For what? Why it's "Cena's Cabana!" What is that really? It's cheesy, but you know...expected. It's the classic Johnny C. comedy.

We start with a monologue. Cena says that "Huey Lewis and the News will be here." (JG Note: Between that and the Barney Fife thing, I'm convinced that the writing team has a time machine.) He then introduces his first guest...John Cena.

With that, he interviews well, himself It's weird. As the interviewer Cena, he's happy and joking. As the interviewee Cena, he's angry and "pissed off." It's like that chick from Heroes. After we rewatch last week's apple-spit video, Johnny The Jokeman completes his skit by calling Carly's friend, Randy Orton, "metro sexual." He threatens the Legend Killer at Summerslam, calls his own catchphrase "cliché'," and then reads his "Top Three List." It's the "Top Three Reasons I Should Trash The Cabana And Beat The Hell Out of Carlito." Number three is because the only "nuts" he has is his coconut drink cups. Number two is because he like to swallow bananas. Reason One is, well, a punch in the face.

Bam!  Cool gets knocked in the mush and the Champ continues to pummel him. Then, from out of nowhere, Randy Orton appears and runs in. He tries to hit the RKO, but the Marine squirms away. Randall runs from the ring and watches from the aisle as Cena hits Carlito with the F-U. I wish there was a British guy here to make all of this OK.

William Regal is British! Yeah! Lord William comes out with his Supercuts hair and informs us that...well, you figure it out.

"Well, Cena, it looks like you're ready to fight which is a good thing. Because tonight as my first official act as General Manager on Raw, I'm going to give you what you want. You want to fight, you got it, but I won't be picking your opponents. You, Orton, I suggest you get ready. Carlito, I suggest you get on your feet because you two will be deciding amongst yourselves who will face Cena and I want an answer gentlemen and I want it in a few minutes."
- William Regal

I have no idea what that means. I guess we'll find out eventually...hopefully. Whatever. All hail King Booker. He's coming to the ring and he has Queen by his side. Now can you dig that....PEASANT!

Commercial Break. "How Has Triple H Recovered From His Injury?" Uh...by dressing up as the Terminator for WWE Magazine?

It's backstage to the GM room we go. Carlito and Randy Orton both seem to be on the same page. They tell William Regal that they have an answer for his poorly asked question before the break. Who did they choose to have John Cena face? (JG Note: Oh. I thought he meant that one of them would face him. I don't know. Whatever. I get it now.) They have agreed for a foe. Who? The Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamoan Bulldozer! Umaga! William likes the idea and sends The RKO-Afro Connection on their merry way. When he turns, he's greeted by Mr. McMahon who tells him to sit down.

Good match, Willie. Good tie and haircut, too. Now that you're the new General Manager, Vince can confide in you, right? Look. When all that boom boom limo stuff went down, Vinnie's family wasn't exactly being cool. Look at the rundown:

Shane McMahon: MIA. Nowhere to be found. No dancing. No jumping off tall structures. No Paulie Walnuts hair. Nuthin'.

Stephanie McMahon: All crying and blubbering. She went to "three different attorneys that morning to see what slice of the pie she was gonna get from my estate."

Linda McMahon: Seen that morning being "consoled" by longtime WWE employee Basil DeVito. (JG Note: I'm not sure but I think when he did the quotes thing for "consoled," he was implying it meant "banged.")

Now, much like Clark Griswold, Mr. McMahon has to bring his family back together. He needs to get all the "goodness" out of himself. Get your mind out of the gutter, he means it. Nothing's gonna stop Vinnie from getting his family back together. Yeah. Just like the song from Mannequin.

Chinese Author Lillian Garcia informs us that the winner of the next match will receive a coronation which will be administered by the loser at Madison Square Garden next week. Jerry Lawler is excited about this as he thinks it's code for some sort of sex.

4. King Booker pinned Jerry Lawler after a Scissors Kick

I'm not going to go on and on about Booker T because I know it gets old, but the way he's altered his whole style for the King Booker gimmick is amazing. He also has this way of using his eyes to make in-ring expressions that's just great. He's always done it. Before, he would bug his eyes out and stare at his hand. Now, he gets that far-off pretentious king look. It works. This match works too. Jerry Lawler, while not the youngest guy on the block, still looks credible enough to be able to wrestle a guy like Booker. He also wrestles a match that seems logical. He's not tossing Book around like a...uh, book. He gets pounded and finds a way to toss a jab in here and there. That's it. Lots of jabbing. The fans really got behind him for it too. They cheered his name and called for his miraculous come-from-behind win. Did they get it? Nope. Know why? A woman. Figures, right? After jabbing a few times more, Lawler found himself with King Bookah on the outside. He tossed him back in the ring, but was stopped by Queen Sharmelle. Lawler smiled and turned his attention to Mrs. T. With his attention diverted for all of two seconds, The King of Memphis was easy prey for the King of Spinaroonieland. One scissor kick later and we have ourselves a coronation next week, kiddies.

Mr. Kennedy is walking to the ring. How many times will he say his name? Stay tuned!

Commercial Break. "Halloween - August 31st." Uh. No it's not.

Last week, Bobby Lashely was injured at the hands of Mr. Kennedy. Really? Well, no. But he's really injured, I mean. That part is real. He needs surgery. Real surgery. Really. Who's doing it? Dr. James Andrews. Is he a real doctor? Yes. That's not what I meant. Huh? Yes. Yes, he has a real shoulder. Why wouldn't his shoulder be real?

Mr. Kennedy Kennedy is here and he's doing the microphone from the ceiling gimmick. My wife, who barely watches the shows at all anymore, asked why he's copying the Rock with the microphone face and slow deliberate speaking. It made me stop for second. Ken used this opportunity to do two things. First, he gloats over his beatdown of Lashley last week. Bobby's so hurt that he can't get the ringing out of his ears.  What ringing, you wonder? The ringing of Mr. K's last name. With that, Kennedy - the wrestler, not the VJ - proceeds to make sure his act gets played out in one foul swoop. It went from somewhat stale to completely old by the time we hit commercial. Why? Because he repeated his name for a grand total of 8 times. Had we not cut to commercial, he'd still be going. It was so friggin' stupid. It reminded me of the Booker T/Mr. T skit I did in the intro. I half expected guys in white coats to take him away in nets

Retro Commercial Break .

We shoot backstage to find the three new best friends, Carlito, Randy Orton, and Umaga. Carly and Randy gas up the Bulldozer about his match with John Cena later tonight. Maga responds by showing them his tongue.

It's time for "the first ever Dating Game on Monday Night Raw." Gee. I wonder why that is. Oh wait. I know. Because it's a wrestling show. That's immaterial, though. It's 2007. We have a Dating Game set, '70s game show music, and William Regal as host. Let's kills some time and meet the contestants!

Bachelor 1: Jim Duggan

Still wearing his wedding ring at the start. Also, his 2x4 is wearing a tie.

"I got my suit. I got my tie. And I have a massive piece of wood."

Bachelor 2: Ron Simmons

Loves "drinking, gambling, and having a limited vocabulary."


Bachelor 3: Santino Marella

His arm is in a sling following his loss to - as William Regal calls him - "YOU-MANGA."

Santino smiles and delivers the line that made me laugh out loud longer than any other this show has done in a while.

"I'm in lots of pain."

The delivery was perfect. Maybe Marella could be good after all. Who knows? Before we can ponder his chances, we put our hands together for tonight's Bachelorette - Maria. Once she bops to the ring, Regal gives her a microphone and tells her to start asking the bachelors, hidden behind a makeshift wall, questions.

Bachelor 1, how do we know you'll be a gentleman?

Duggan responds: " One thing's for sure, I won't call you HOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Bachelor 2, what would you make me for breakfast in bed?

Ron responds: " SPAM!"

Bachelor 3, if I were an ice cream cone...

Santino responds: "Maria, I'm sorry. It's'me, Santino Marella. I'm just'a'behind the screen. So please go ahead and jus'a pick me because everybody here loves to see us together!"

Maria doubts the validity of Bachelor 3's identity and tells him he does the worst Santino Marella impression she's ever heard. That's funny. I thought he was doing the worst Furio from the Sopranos impression I ever heard.

Next Round of Questions:

Bachelor 2, if you could stop any war in history, which would it be?

Ron responds: " NAM!"

Wow. Not too many opportunities in the world to use the Vietnam war to try and get a big laugh.

Bachelor 1, would you...

Santino interrupts again. He tells Maria that he can't hear her because the other two bachelors are loudly talking about how they hate babies and puppies. When she says it's awful that they would hate babies and puppies because she loves them, Marella smiles and says, "I know you do, Maria. Me too, but these two are monsters!"

Hacksaw Jim Duggan stops him in his tracks. He does that great All American wrestling gimmick of hating all other countries and tells Santino to go back to Italy. Why? 'Cause you don't talk like that in the U.S.A! Hoooooooooooooo...boy. The crowd chants and Santa asks Duggan the question we've all wanted to for years.

"What do you think you're doing? Are you mildly retarded?"
- Santino Marella.

The American and Italian begin to argue and Regal nips it in the bud quickly. He silences them and turns the floor over to Maria. Pick your man, girl. Who is it? After some thought, she chooses Bachelor 2...Ron Simmons! Hey Ron, whatcha gonna do to that little girl tonight?


Faaroq walks over and hugs his prize. This drives Santino into a rage-o. He calls Simmons a "creep" and informs his swinging American chick that she can't go on a date with him. She tells him it's just for fun, but he doesn't seem to care. Even after Ron, who seems to have some sort of speech impediment that forces him to focus on words with the "am" sound in them," tells him to "scram," he stays strong. He boasts his credentials and talks some more smacko before that familiar music hits and forces everyone to run from the ring. That's right. Stop - Umaga Time. The Bulldozer is here and he's got a thumb with John Cena's name on it...after this break!

Commercial Break     

The Coach is sitting in the Leather Couch Room when he's approached by a guy that I swore was David Caruso. Turns out to just be some dude. Well, that's not entirely true. He's a dude with paperwork. Here, Coachman. Take this and sign it. For some reason, he does. It's only then that he learns that the contents contain a summons for Mr. McMahon. David walks away and Jonathan reads what he was just handed. His face lights up and he scurries off.

5. John Cena defeated Umaga via Disqualification

Umaga was pretty much a baby face going into this match anyway. It could work big time if they keep him true to his character. Once they start to cartoon him up, they'll find his stock start to fall. One of the main things I noticed in this match is that it was the first time I had seen his Maga's face paint smudge off. It always seemed to stay on. Maybe he's using a different brand now. Maybelline or something. You know, maybe he's born with it. Maybe it's Maybelline. This match wasn't a classic like their previous encounters, but it wasn't supposed to be. It was supposed to be the setup for Jamala's change of heart. It happened once the Doctor of Thuganomics locked him in the STFU. Before the savage could tap, Carlito and Randy Orton ran in got him DQed.

Following the bell, the WWE champion found himself assaulted. The RKO Afros tore into the Marine and placed him in the corner. They then called off to Umaga to do what he does best...ram his ass into someone's face. Who's face? John Cena's face. Do it, Samoa Stomach! Do it now!

Guess what he did. You know what he did.

He attacked the bad guys. Yup. The Samoan Bulldozer bulldozed all over the Legend Killer and Caribbean Cool. When the heels escaped form the ring, William Regal arrived to make the big announcement. Next week at "Madison Square Gardens," we'll see Carlito and Randy Orton against John Cena "and his tag team partner...UMANGA!" (JG Note: Yes. He adds the N.) J.R and Jerry Lawler can't believe their ears! Can you believe it? I can't believe it! Who believes it! AH!

Now that we're done with that, let's get into that Barney Fife/Huey Lewish Time Machine.  Ready to go back in time? Let's do it.  Let's go to June 11th.

We shoot backstage to find Vince McMahon walking past a line of WWE stars. He sees Cryme Tyme, Beth Phoenix, and even the big smile of Paul London. It's déjà vu to limo explosion day again. Even when Vince leaves the building, we get the eerie similarities. In fact, the entire scene is shot nearly shot-for-shot with the original. From the slight turns to glare at two men in the distance to the pull-back camera when he reaches for the door, the entire skit is almost identical.

...Except for when he's about to pull the door shut. This time there's divine intervention. Who's divinely interfering? John Coachman. Why? He has some papers you need to see, Vinnie Mac. It's a summons.

You've been served with a lawsuit.

Actually...a paternity suit.

Yup. There's another McMahon out there in the world walking around. There's another heir to that throne, boss. Who can it be? Who can it be? Daddy Mac leans on his limo door and ponders his impregnation powers as we fade to black.

All in all... pretty brutal at times. But overall it set us up for the storyline of the future.  Who wants to be a McMahon?

OK. So who should be Vince McMahon's illegitimate child?

Triple H.

That would just be nuts and disgusting. Something tells me that Vince has already thought of this.

My other guess would be Shelton Benjamin. The skits with Thea Vidal would be awesome.

That being said, tonight's show was painful at points. There was an element of Crash TV that seemed to play out throughout the night. The wrestling was incidental and the skits were prolonged. Lots of talking. Lost of "comedy." Lots of fluff.

Ken Kennedy killed his entire shtick in one foul swoop. His name repetition was so awful that it became uncomfortable. I know people say, "Well you hated it. That's good! He's a heel, dummy!" But a heel should make you hate them, not feel uncomfortable watching them deliver cheeseball lines and die on stage.

Vince's rants on Congress, the IRS, and news media was what it was. Would I like to see the boss suck it up and stop antagonizing people who can hurt his business? Yeah. Do I expect that to happen? No. If you put Vince McMahon in a room with a big red button and said, "I'm leaving the room. Don't push that button or you'll make the room explode," you'd be blown up before you turned around to walk out. That's our Vinnie. What can we say? Waka waka waka.

Oh, we did get a Snitsky squash tonight. So that's good, right?

I personally would have liked to see Sandman as Raw GM, but we all had to see William Regal coming. Hopefully that Dating Game thing is just something he needed to get out of his General Managing System. I can't deal with that on a regular basis.

That does it for me. Be sure to check out David Young on this week's Radio Free Insanity . I'll be back at ClubWWI.com in the next few days with a new uncut interview and plenty of more fun stuff. Be sure to check back!

Be well. Thanks for sharing my Insanity!

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