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JG's 3/17/05 Smackdown Insanity: John Cena Wants To Touch JBL...But Teddy Long Won't Let Him

By James Guttman Mar 17, 2017 - 6:30 PM print


Originally Published March 17, 2005


H appy St. Patrick's Day....


McMahon Home….March 17, 2005

Nurse Stevens: Mr. McMahon, you seem to be doing OK. You've taken all your medication and I've given you three sponge baths, just like you insisted.

Vince McMahon: Thanks, baby. Hiring a private nurse to take care of me at my house was an awesome decision. I wish I had thought of it earlier.

Nurse: Well, you just relax and sit back. You have some visitors. Should I send them in?

Vince: Sure.

Cyndi Lauper: Hiya Vinnie! You remember me and my friend Mr. T?

Mr. T: I pity the fool that don't remember Mr. T!

Vince: Oh wow. Will you look at that. I thought you were dead. I'd love to sit here and catch up with you Cyndi, but I have this rule about not talking to women over 40.

Cyndi: Well, good news for you, Vinnie. I'm not 'ere ta talk. I'm 'ere ta negotiate.

Mr. T: I pity the fool that don't negotiate.

Vince: You want to negotiate with me?

Cyndi: Listen 'ere, Vinnie. I watched Monday Night Raw dis week and saw Jake da Snake and Maw-ty Jannetty show up. What's da deal wit dat? If you're going for nostalgia, I'd say you have plenty ta choose from. Dat's why I've brought all of my friends with me.

Mr. T: I pity the fool that brings all their friends with…

Vince: God! Will you cut that sh*t out! That's so annoying.

Mr. T: (sullen) I pity the fool that cuts that sh*t out.

Cyndi: Team Nostalgia….come on in!

Teams of people, characters, and icons of the '80s and '90s begin pouring into Vince's living room. From the Saved by the Bell kids to PacMan

Vince: What the hell?

Cyndi: Vinnie, I think you'll find our demands quite easy to handle.

Roscoe P. Coltrane: Ooooo. Shame, shame, shame. Everybody knows your name. Hah-gu-gu-gu!

Today's Special Jeff: Hocus Pocus Alamagocus!

Small Wonder Vicki: Lin-da stole my gim-mick.

Vince: Listen, you all better get the hell out of here right now before I call security!

Pee Wee Herman: Who you gonna call?

The Ghostbusters: Ghostbusters!

Papa Smurf: Relax fellas. I say we just kick the living smurf out of him.

The gang begins to surround McMahon

Vince: (deep gulp) Uh, just wait. Hold on. Wha…what do you people want?

Cyndi: Well Vinnie, when da working day is done, girls just wanna have fun. But first we need a working day. Dat's where you come in. Since you're so generous wit Maw-ty and Jake, why not spread da love a bit? Or maybe we have to get a bit rough witcha.

Inspector Gadget: Go go Gadget Fists!

MC Hammer: Proper. Uh oh. Uh oh. Uh oh.

Hammer starts to dance crazily, coming dangerously close to slamming into the immobile McMahon

Vince: Now just calm down here, guys. No need for violence. We're cool. Look! I know most of you personally. Like you (pointing) Koko B. Ware, we had some great times together, right?

Gary Coleman: Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Vince?

Vince: Sorry. Thought you were someone else.

Cyndi: Come on, Vinnie. You mean to tell me you can find storylines for Joy and Christy Hemme, but none for Blair, Jo, Tootie, and Natalie? Come on, pal.

Natalie: I say we eat him.

Vince: Whoa. Now hold on. I'm sure I can find something for all of you to do. Like you, He-Man. You're a big guy. How about a spot in Evolution?

He-Man: And let your son-in-law steal my glory? No thank you. I'd rather let Skeletor redecorate Castle Grayskull.

Vince: OK fine. How about you, Alf? You want a spot on Raw? You get all the cats you can eat.

Alf: Sorry, Vince. I can't show up there. Things have been a bit awkward ever since I had that fling with Lita.

Matt Hardy:(popping up out of nowhere) What?! Oh no! You too! Ahhhhhhh!

Hardy runs from the room

Vince: (under his breath) I gotta get better security.

Cyndi: Vinnie, it doesn't look like your gonna be able to help us out here today. You know what that means….

The group begins to circle McMahon's chair

Vince: No….no….

Mr. Wizard: It means we're gonna have to do some experiments….

Vince: No….God no….

Mr. T: I pity the fool that doesn't do experiments….

Vince: Oh no…no! Help!

Cut To: Outside the room….Nurse Stevens takes off her wig to reveal Steven Richards. He's joined by Bruno Sammartino

Bruno Sammartino: All finished?

"Nurse" Steven Richards: Yes sir. I coated all of his medication in LSD. He oughta be trippin' balls for about twelve hours.

Bruno: Nice! Now….we kill him!

Richards: What?

Bruno: Bring me his head! Marone! I will kill him with my bare hands! Death to Vince! Muwahahahahahaha!

Richards: Uh…yeah. I was, uh, just sort of mad about having to job to Chris Masters. You seem to have some deeper issues. I'll let you handle that. OK. Gotta go. Bye.

Richards leaves. A voice rings out from the room

Vince: (From inside the room) Help! The Snorks are eating my face!

***

Well, top o' the morning to you, people. Don't worry, you didn't drink too much and wake up on Monday. It's Thursday and I'm here with a special Smackdown Insanity. After a busy weekend away for my bachelor party, I've returned to review the rasslin' show that aired while you all were eating your corned beef and drinking your green beer...or, at least, you hoped it was beer. What's doing with the mediocre brand of World Wrestling Entertainment lately? Has Your Olympic Hero Mary Lou Retton Kurt Angle figured out how to get under Shawn Michael's holy skin? Will John Heidenreich read some poetry in an effort to agitate Booker T? Does Randy Orton plan on filling Undertaker's duffel bag with a big smelly pile of WrestleMania challenges? Speaking of doodie, can John Cena do his duty and score a psychological advantage over the Wall Street Bull-sheeter John Bradshaw Layfield? If you're being tried for child molestation, wouldn't you want to avoid wearing pajamas to court? Isn't reminding the jury of bedtime a bad thing? It's like being tried for armed robbery and showing up to court with a bandanna over your face. Well, Moonwalk, drink your Guinness, and cry like Robert Blake. It's Thursday. That means that we're cut, censored, and cooked. It's time for a little Smackdown...

Smackdown Theme Plays. Or as Michael Cole and Heidenreich call it, "Our song."

Booya Kasha! Big ups yourself! Michael Cole is kicking it by the side of his Extreme cohost Tazz. He's got a silly chin mustache and some video footage to show us. John Cena gave Teddy Long the FU last week. What will be the punishment for hitting the General Manager with his finisher? Well, considering that Randy Orton did the same thing to the Raw GM last week and nothing happened, I'm gonna go with nothing.

Knock Knock

Who is it?

It's Kurt Angle, Bret. Let me in.

What do you want?

Well, I'm accomplishing all of Shawn Michaels' feats before WrestleMania. I have a printout right here that says in November of 1997, he…uh, screwed you.

Yeah. He did.

Well, you know what we gotta do. Get on all fours and spread 'em, Hitman. It's go time.

Wait…no! That not what I meant…. Wait! Stop! AHHHHHHHHH!

 

Kurt Angle is in the house. He admits to watching Raw now and again. In fact, he saw Shawn Michaels team up with Marty Jannetty on that show in order to prepare him for the next match. Shawny, you think that teaming with you will prepare Marty for a match with an Olympic Hero? Ho ho ho. Ha ha ha. No way, HBK. You'll find out why at WrestleMania. Meanwhile, your old partner will find out...right now!

(1) Kurt Angle defeated Marty Jannetty via Anklelock Submission

Michael Cole actually goes out of his way to lie about Jannetty's history. He said that he and Shawn Michaels spent many years together. Then he said "four years." In WWE, it was only about four years. In real life, it was longer. Considering that the company acknowledges non-WWE history nowadays, it's strange that they would go out of their way to fudge the numbers for no reason. Cole then redeems himself by saying that Marty had never faced an Olympic Gold Medallist before. That one was true. So, points for that one. Then again, it was a pretty safe bet. Marty Jannetty continues to show what a man is capable of when he knows he's getting a second chance. Jannetty always had the ability to put on a good match. His biggest downfall was the disintegration of the Rockers. After Shawn Michaels turned heel, his gimmick was that he was too cool for the room. It seemed to imply that the Rockers persona was almost cheesy in a way. With such an extreme change of attitude, HBK made his old gimmick seem dorky with all the streamers and neon spandex. The only problem was that Marty Jannetty still had that gimmick. Don't believe me? Look at the 1996 New Rockers. It was Jannetty and Al Snow (under the name Leif Cassidy) playing the Rockers gimmick...only as dorks. Announcers jeered the duo as an out of touch Greg Brady-style team. The weird thing was that the gimmick wasn't changed at all. It was the exact same act that Marty played straight for years. It was as if WWE was admitting that they made this guy do an outdated and stupid gimmick. Creatively, that's really hurt him. Now, with a more seasoned approach and less teeny-bopper BS, Jannetty is able to simply wrestle and prove what he can do in the ring. The focus is finally off his entrance and outfit and on the match he produces. That works in his favor and helps him out tremendously. In fact, he didn't even have on his old Rocker tights anymore. He had on a Jeff Jarrett late WWE-era black shirt and AJ Styles trunks. It was a good move. If they continue to use Mart the way they have been, they'll be in good shape. Personally, if you had told me a month ago that the forgotten Rocker who was thrown through the Barber Shop Window would be taking part in some of the best matches on WWE TV right now, I'd would probably have laughed at you. You didn't, though. So, tough luck. Really solid finish saw the crowd pop big for a number of Jannetty comebacks, even evoking a somewhat believable response from Michael Cole. It wasn't enough to overcome the Anklelock of Your Olympic Hero. After valiantly fighting, M-Jan finally did the tappity tappity on the canvas. We all celebrate the courage of Marty and continue to ignore the fact that he dropped off the edge of the Earth ten years ago.

Backstage, Teddy Long thinks about how he will punish John Cena. He should rap to him. That's how John Cena punishes us.

Commercial Break. There's a healthcare commercial that depicts a kid flying off a swing. They ask if we'll know what to do if our child is in that situation. Then they urge us to call the 800 number. I have a better idea. Don't let your kids go on swings. Who needs all that pushing? It's tiring. Screw that. Buy 'em video games and lock them in their room. It's safer and less strain on your back. Thank you, TV. Thank you for showing us the light.

Holla, holla, holla. Peanuthead Teddy Long is proud to present the best in action and entertainment on television. (JG Note: Does he produce another show we don't know about?) As he's about to get to the John Cena verdict, John Layfield steps right in. He cuts off the volatile little commissioner. Listen, Ted. JBL knows the dillio. Cena hit him with a weapon. It's over. Suspend his Marky Mark-wannabe ass! No go, Acolyte. Long ain't suspending no one, playa. Instead, the ruling is made that Rappin' John is prohibited from striking Fired-From-CNBC John outside the ring. If he does, then Wannabe-Ghetto John will lose his WrestleMania title match. One stip, though Texas-John. If you're booked into a match against Doodie-John, then all bets are off. Striking is allowed in the confines of a contest, bell-to-bell. You hear, son? Cowboy Hat John smiles and tries to leave. When he does, he's stopped and told that tonight will be headlined by a six man tag match. The participants? You and the Shaniqua-less Bashams against Little Rey Rey, Little Ed Ed, and the other John. Layfield reacts angrily and then goes off (JG Note: Probably to use the John.)

Actually, Eddie Guerrero is really in the John and he's looking in the mirror when on-again, off-again heel Chavo Guerrero shows up. Chavito must be a bad guy now because he's wearing the bandana. He also has the Hardcore er…uh…. European….uh, uh, Western States Heritage…..Crusierweight Title. What's with you, Uncle Edward? Why are you a punk ass now? Last year you were World Champion, now you're a tag team bitch. That sucks. Why have you fallen so far? EG cuts off his nephew. Chill, kiddo. Don't try to stir the pot and breed contempt in the Eddie/Rey team. The other Chavo Guerrero I didn't interview tells his Uncle to stop being such a punk or stop using the Guerrero name. Latino Heat rages and tosses a chair before turning to look at himself in the mirror. He doesn't break it because that would be seven years bad luck. He learned his lesson the first time, when he broke a mirror immediately before going to WCW in 1995.

Commercial Break. "Not everyone has what it takes to be King of the Iron Fist Tournament," according to the new Tekken 5 ads. No. Not everyone - just people with $45.95.

Torrie Wilson and Joy "spread St. Patrick's Day Cheer" by running through the crowd. Ugh. I knew they were the ones spreading it. Be careful. It itches like hell.

News Item: This past week, Luther Reign's website, LutherReigns.com, was shut down by his webmistress. Apparently, the woman that ran his site has caused tension between Luther and his girlfriend. According to the woman, Reigns yelled at her and insulted her Irish heritage. Needless to say, this entire situation is beyond shocking. It's downright unbelievable. I mean, come on…Luther Reigns has his own website? I'm speechless!

Booker T showed up for his match. Booker's new wife, former WWE/WCW personality Sharmell, was in the crowd. According to the announcers, the two were just recently wed. When reached for comment, Adam Copeland said "I'm on it. Give me two months."

Heidenreich then showed up and took a seat with Tazz and his Sweet Babboo, Michael Cole.

(2) Booker T pinned Luther Reigns

Big John was tight lipped at first in response to his ex-boyfriend's questioning. Instead, he wanted to focus on the match. (JG Note: Which is a good thing, because it shows he's trying to learn, at least. Then again, he's learning by watching Luther Reigns. So, that's not good.) This was a really bad match. Luther has been used terribly. It's been ridiculous. They have this big bodyguard-looking monster and they've feuded him with a 5'8 guy in a low rider, the giant guy that gets pushed ever year or two, and the last remaining Natural Born Thriller - the generic one. He should be a bodyguard and wrestle sparingly. He should be Mr. McMahon's enforcer, Teddy Long's protection, Eric Bischoff's head of security, or something like that. Instead, he's Booker T's jobber. Splendid. Heyman's old protégé remained silent on commentary for the bulk of the contest, only grunting when Book got the upper hand. In the end, it was a Scissor Kick by the T-Man that got the win. Reigns vows to blame the Irish for his loss.

After the bell, Heidenriech stopped Booker from leaving. He had to read a poem about how he's finally going to get to be himself. Blah. I guess WWE finally learned how to truly get a feud over - bad poetry. Yeah. Under that rationale, Leaping Lanny Poffo should have been the friggin' man.

Commercial Break. Now That's What I Call Music - Volume…18?! Now that's what I call overkill.

WrestleMania 21 Commercial with Kurt Angle and Christy Hemme. Funny stuff. This is my favorite one of the bunch. It's universally praised. Half the people find the thing funny. The other half wait until everyone's out of the house and then spend the night with the TIVO rewind button. Linda McMahon was the perfect finale to the whole thing. Good stuff.

Theodore Long is in the ring and he's on WrestleMania 21 Hype duty. It's the only day of the year where Raw superstars face Smackdown superstars. It's the only night that….

What did you say, Konan? Huh? Do you know who the hell I am, pal? I'm Eric Bischoff! I'm the executive vice-president of WCW, buddy. I know who draws the money! I know. Not you! If anyone has a problem with that, they can walk out. You hear me back there, Raven? You can leave! I'm Easy E! I'm Ted Turner's right hand ma…

Uh, excuse me, Mr. Bischoff. It's time for you to come out for the Randy Orton segment. Uh, Mr. Bischoff? Were you talking to the Coffeemaker again?

I…uh. Well, I…uh… Don't look at me!

 

The Raw Bischboy, Eric Bischoff, is here because he didn't want to miss a week without me saying unprovoked nasty things about him. He claims it's to backup Randy Orton at his contract signing tonight, but we know the truth. Bischoff Bob Thornton insists that as GM of Raw, he needs to witness the Raw victories at Mania firsthand. Shawn Michaels will defeat Kurt Angle just like the Legend Killer will defeat the Undertaker. Yeah, you heard right. Let's bring Randy Orton out here. If, for no other reason, then to keep him away from the Divas and their luggage.

Ort arrives and gets into the ring, just in time for the introduction of his opponent. The Smackdown Jack Tunney doesn't let the Raw Jack Tunney announce the Dead Man. No, that's a job that a SD GM must do. Well, do that up, Mr. Long…

Cue the Undertaker.

Sure thing. Hey, I was thinking, they call him the dead man, right? Well, what did he die of? Old age? AHAHAHAHAH! Oh ahahahah! Get it? Cause he's old! Hehehehehe! Ah...hey, why aren't you laughing? Oh no. He's standing right behind me, isn't he? Oh crap...

 

(JG Note: The Undertaker's entrance is really boring. I guess it's cool for special occasions and pay shows, but every week? Damn. The purply-blue lights put me to sleep too. I get it, Taker. It's been nearly fifteen years. You walk slowly. You're dead. It's all making sense. Now if maybe we can just speed things up a bit, that would be great.) More boring than the entrance was Mean Mark's staredown with Dandy Randy. It was like those old stalls that wrestlers would do in the arm-wrestling matches and tugs-of-war. Even funnier was the sound on my UPN going out for the first sentence of Orton's speech. It wasn't the best promo in the world, but got the point across. It seems like WWE is trying to do the Batista route with Randall and tease him heel for a while before fully flipping him. Just when you think he's about to go all bad-guyed out, he says something baby face-like. Here's the gist of the whole thing. Taker is 12:0 now. In about a month, he'll be 12:1. Pretty basic stuff. The big deal was the slap.

Ortles reached out and slapped his Mania foe and Undie appeared stunned. He turned back to the youngin and, with a squint of his eyes, made an electrical storm appear. Everyone was surprised. It sends Randy scurrying. If Undertaker can really control the weather, I'm gonna hunt him down with a baseball bat the next time we get a foot of snow.

Commercial Break. Ashton Kutcher, the quirky Caucasian, dates the daughter of Bernie Mac, the quirky African-American, in "Guess Who?" It's all just pretend though. In real life, Ashton wouldn't go after Bernie's daughter. His sister or mom, maybe, but not his daughter.

In 1987, Hulk Hogan body slammed Andre the Giant. Jesse Ventura called it unbelievable. Funny enough, that's the first word that springs to mind when I hear Hogan embellish the stories nowadays. Yes, Hulk. He was 17 feet tall. You thought he wouldn't let you win. You threw him into the third row. Gotcha. Yes. Yes. Three times - prescribed by a doctor. I believe it all. Yes. Yes…

Ring…Ring….

Hello?

Hi, is Torrie there?

No. Who's this?

This is Edge. Who's this.

This is Billy Kidman…her f**kin' husband. Why are you calling my house, Edge?

Oh…oh! Edge? Did I say "Edge?" I meant to say…uh, "Reg." You know, as in Reggie Jackson. Yeah, that's the ticket. I'm Reggie Jackson, former New York Yankee and star of the first Naked Gun. Yeah, uh….that's it. Stay in school. Gotta go...bye.

 

(3) Paul London pinned Billy Kidman after a 450 Splash

Good to see London finally off of Velocity and wrestling someone besides Akio. Before you send me cards and letters going nuts about how much you love the Akio-London saga on the B-Show, know that I like it too. I've enjoyed their matches. I just think it's insane to stick such great contests on the secondary show with little or no-buildup. They know that Paul versus Kio can deliverer a solid showing and interest people, that's why they keep booking it. Yet, they don't make any effort to give either one a real creative character or conflict. It's a matter of "Let's stick the jumpy guys together." Oh, I know what you're saying. "But James, Cruiserweights don't draw money!" I hear you. You're right. Are you hugging your John Heiedenreich Wrestling Buddy right now? It's not about Cruiserweights or Heavyweights. It's about opportunities. It's about giving an abundance of them to big stars that prove themselves incapable of captivating an audience, while giving none to smaller ones that have proved that they can do so on the ignored show without even having a storyline. You push what works. They know that Crazy Hair Paulie can interest people without an angle. Why not give him one and see what happens? Come on, Johnny Laryngitis, this guys seems like a Dynamic Dude to me. I'm lukewarm to Kidman. I like his style, but he's never really taken it to the next level. He's had a crazy career though, from Hulk Hogan to Raven's Flock, he did a lot of different things. Still, he's just there. I don't mind watching him wrestle, but I don't look forward to it either. Know what I mean? If he's here, it's ok. If he's not, it's ok too. I don't know what they can do with him at this point. Although, his real life wife is running around without direction right now. You could always pair them up. We all know how working your real-life marriage into a storyline always ends well, right? Wait. Scratch that. Solid contest with absolutely no backstory. No matter how good these guys did, they were in a losing battle. On a pre-Mania show, they were dead in the water. Fans are here to see WM's card get pushed. Without a Mania storyline, it's hard to captivate their attention, no matter how good the match. London hit a 450 Splash from the top rope for the victory here. I still say that if he's going to use the name "Paul London," he should bring tea and crumpets to the ring and use them as weapons. That's just me.

We cut to the concession stand where a frazzled attendant is fed up with his assistant, the newspaper reading Carlito Cool. Sideshow Carl finally responds to his new boss and gets to his feet in time to serve a hot dog to a young fan. When he takes the money from him and sees how much cash the register has, Coolio contemplates taking the low road. He finally decides that stealing is whacko and closes the drawer. The problem? He forgot the kid's change! Doh! When the boy asks for it, Carlito gives him something else - a face full of ketchup! (JG Note: I'm not using slang or anything. He squeezed a ketchup bottle in the kid's face.) When the manager tries to stop him, CCC scares him off and bites the hotdog. (JG Note: Again, no slang. He genuinely bit a hotdog.) As he was chewing, another customer shows up to confronts him. Why did you do that, Carl? He was just a kid! In response, Carlito spits chewed-up hotdog and saliva all over the man's face. (JG Note: See previous notes and get your mind out of the gutter.) He then settles back down to read the paper and revel in the fun he had with wieners, saliva, little boys, and ketchup bottles. Now that's not just cool…that's downright creepy.

Commercial Break. The New Axe Body Wash. It's better than the old "Ax Body Wash." It wasn't even soap. Demolition would just show up at your house and hold you underwater.

Michael Cole and his silly chin beard hypes up WrestleMania's match between Sonny Bono and the Big Show. Wait…wait, no - Akebono. Big Show and Akebono.

Come on, Vince! Please?!

No Big Show! Goddamnit! For the last time, your can't wrestle Akebono in a "Cupcake on a Pole" match at WrestleMania!

 

Coley tells the Big Bald Show that this will be "pound for pound, the biggest match in WrestleMania history." (JG Note: There's something to be proud of. Big Show, you - Akebono - both of you are fatties. How historic! Any thoughts?) It's Sumo rules, Showy. Can you beat this Sumo Champion? Biggie puts over Acky's achievements, but cuts it off with a "but." Come Mania, BS says that Bobo will know first-hand that the Showster's the one and only man on the planet that he can't push around. Uh oh. Something tells me that Triple H didn't approve this promo.

Backstage, US Champion Orlando Jordan is trying to calm down WWE Champion JBL. Why are you so stressed, Hazemeister? Is it because of that six-man match? Is it because of John Cena? Chill, Champ. If OJ can beat Cena, so can you. Suddenly, Bradshaw gets an idea. They say that JC will lose his WrestleMania match if he touches Layfield, right? Right. Well, JBL has an idea. Come on, Orlando. Your boss needs him a witness. (JG Note: I really, really hope it didn't take him over an hour to realize that he should just provoke John Cena outside the ring.)

Commercial Break. Raw Rebound was the announcement that Batista will face Kane this week. I hope they have some swerve planned here, like maybe a Kane turn. Otherwise, it's questionable to put your main eventing and newly-turned hero in a high-profile match with another "good guy" just a few weeks before WrestleMania.

Dawn Marie is spreading her own strain of St. Patty's Day Cheer through the audience. She flips out when she catches Michelle McSomething doing the same thing. It breaks into a catfight. You know what those things look like. Each one is the same. You don't want to read a description of it anyway.

Team TazzyCole run down WrestleMania.

In the back hallway, all of our worst fears are realized. Yes. It took the Wall Street Wizard, JBL, over an hour to realize that he should try to make John Cena hit him outside the ring. How does he do this? He tells Orlando Jordan to stay far back and serve as a witness. With that, he approached Cena and tells him how he hates rap. Uh oh. He then calls out DJ Jazzy John on how he wants to be him. He wants to be rich. He can't be, though. Why? 'Cause your momma had to nail the landlord to get the rent paid. She had to bang the grocer to get the groceries. (JG Note: You don't want to know how she got their dog to protect the house.) Where was your daddy, C-Man? You didn't know him. Layfield knows his dad. He's rich. He's still married too. Not like your ho-ho ma ma. Be a man, punk. Throw a punch. Hit the Champion! Do it! Johnny C refuses. He's no dummy. In five minutes, when that bell rings, he's gonna "beat your ass!" Swift thinking there, John Hawk. On a side note, if JBL's daddy was rich, how come he had to spend years beating people up just to get beer money?

Commercial Break. Who will be America's Next Top Model? It's so exciting! The winner goes on to amazing things…like joining the cast of the Surreal Life.

The reasons for JBL's anger:

Hey Johnny Layfield, it's me. It's your Uncle Zebekaiah, Dutch Mantel. How you been? I saw how well Smackdown's been doing lately. You've done a great job. It reminds me of the excellent work I did with TNA's X-Division. Ha ha ha. Anyway, you haven't called me back in a while. I've been leaving you all these messages. I need you to stop by and shave my back hair for me. We made the deal when you came to the WWF from Texas. I manage you and you shave my back for the rest of my life. Now be a good nephew and come groom me. Yee haw, bitch!

John Layfield and his Cabinet (JG Note: Minus the flyer girl that uses more than one airline seat) arrive. They await their opponents.

Hey Rey. Word Life. You can't see me.

Squirt

Ahhhhh! You maced me! What the f**k is wrong with you!? Ahhhhhh!

 

(4) John Cena, Eddie Guerrero, & Rey Mysterio defeated John Layfield & the Basham Brothers when Rey pinned Danny Basham

I'd be remiss if I didn't mention John Cena's new Latino style music. No clue what the hell that was about. Something tells me it'll be regretted soon enough. This match was put together nicely and seemed to have the right mix of names. I've said the same thing for a while now. JBL has gotten over as a heel. He's done well despite all the odds and risen to a respectable position. Would he be even more respected now if he had been allowed to grow as a heel without the pressure of being WWE Champ? Definitely. In spite of that, he and his cabinet have risen up. Although cliché, his no-hitting rule with John Cena adds a lot to their eventual Mania match. It's right out of the Triple H-Steve Austin feud a few years back and adds a sense of excitement to their one-on-one showdown on pay-per-view. As the match drew to a close, Eddie suplexed Dan Basham in the center of the ring. Jordan jumped on the apron and Ed turned his attention his way. He knocked OJ down, but when he turned back to Danny, he was out of luck. Rey Mysterio jumped into the ring from the apron and landed a leg drop across Basham's head. Three seconds later and Mysterio seems to have stolen Eddie's pinfall. But Guerrero doesn't mind. He's cool with it. At least, it seems that way….

Outside the ring, Bradshaw rushes Cena with a chair. Rap John ducks and Internet-hatin' John misses. The Word Lifer grabs the chair and prepares to lower the boom on the guy who insulted his momma. He thinks about the consequences and, realizing the bell has rung, decides to beat one of the Bashams with the chair instead. Our WWE Champ takes cover as the pummeling occurs. Finally, the Master of Doodynomics tosses the weapon and takes his leave. Fade to black, people.

All in all… An alright show. I've seen far worse Smackdowns than this one. It wasn't overly memorable, but sold WrestleMania the best way that SD can.

Adding the no-touching stipulation to Cena-JBL helps their match at Mania. It adds another layer to a contest that's already being overlooked in favor of Batista-Hunter. It's something, right? I wouldn't be surprised to see a no-DQ stip added in the coming weeks too. On a side note, wasn't Rick Rude suspended for making mom jokes about the Big Boss Man? Come on, GM Peanuthead. What's right is right!

Heidenreich. Booker T. Luther Reigns. Inside of my eyelids. Zzzzzzzzz……

Good to see Randy Orton play his old gimmick again…kinda. He's one violent attack from the rule breaker's locker room and he needs it bad. Ort has run out of steam as a hero and was never used properly in that role. The day that he legitimately turns back is the day that he starts his career again.

Marty Jannetty needs a full time spot with this company. I've never done this before. Usually we all piss and moan about the older wrestlers and stuff, but Jannetty is different. He's been gone long enough to not go stale on us. He's got a strong understanding of tag wrestling. He's willing to bust his butt in the ring and tell a story. It'll be nice to have someone on the roster that genuinely wants to be there. It'll help cleanse away the memories of the crybabies and lawsuits we've seen in the last few years.

Altogether alright show. It served it's purpose and tried to help build the big four hour extravaganza. Smackdown is still a number of steps behind Raw, but it's getting there. Slowly by surely, it's getting there.

I'll be back on Monday with another Raw Insanity. It's been fun. Meet me and your Uncle Eric back on Spike TV next week. Til then, thanks for reading. Be well.



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